So, guys, we are coming to the end of the beginning here. The story of getting out is ALMOST over!! Whew. ... there is always more to it, that one remembers after the fact. But before all that, I shall continue with the actual installments of the story.

So I completed auditing that pc on the Introspection RD, and I reported for duty at ASHO. They decided to post me as a C/S. The other C/S was Bruce Gaines, nice guy for the most part, but every once in a while he could get really angry and it would always make me laugh. I guess he just never intimidated me. He was too nice when he was nice to be really angry when he was angry. Oh well.

So I had to re-do my metering video again, I think. That took all of a lunch time to complete, then I was allowed onto post. I was previous to GAT a Class V Grad C/S, but was not Class VI C/S (never completed the internship for it) and so they were allowing me to C/S as a Grad V C/S, but they wanted me to do my Class VI Internship, which I was doing basically concurrently with my post.

OK so there seemed to be technical changes going on. Maybe that is my SP generality view coming out, who knows. And I am going to mention some of it here. I have not seen any of this aspect of things posted anywhere and this is the part that really pushed me over the edge. Made me think WTF?, you know?

(Through all this, I was doing daily C/Sing, nothing much to comment on that part, for real).

The main thing here is on the State of Clear. And I feel there is a chapter worth mentioning on this. Because I was involved in the OT Elig line (getting people approved to get onto their OT Levels at AOLA, across the street from ASHO), I had to deal with verifying the State of Clear. So I was trained in doing interviews (I forgot the name of them, C/S 3 or something like that) on people who's Clear Cog was not clearly stated, to see if they would give it straight out. A lot of times this interviews would have leading questions and that was how I was trained in doing them. The areas of earlier sessions would be referred to and reread to the PC, to get him or her to expand or clarify what was meant. Sometimes these interviews would go on for several hours. Come on guys, if they were Clear, I think it would come up a little easier than that! The reason these interviews were allowed/started is from an IG Network Bull about Clears and it is one of the targets on the program to so these interviews on the "Clears" where the cog is not clearly stated. So for a year I was involved in doing and/or C/Sing these interviews.

Additionally, another program step (from the same IG people) was to get all the folders programmed of all of the Clears who had not moved forward. There were 4 categories of stalled Clears. Well, not all stalled, as the first was those onlines, second is those offlines, but recently around doing services, those who are long gone, recovery jobs and the last, those who are really not qualified for auditing and should not have been audited (like criminal, illegal pc's, things like that, from early years and such).

So I had to spend like a week in archives sorting through all of these folders and cases, categorizing all of them, determining if they had Clear evidence, when they were on lines, etc. So I made a huge list of all of the categorizing that was done, and where each one was at. And there were alot of names on the list that we did not have the folders for anymore, and those were being gotten from wherever they were transferred to.

Anyway, this was a huge amount of hours and work, but to me it felt like paper shoving and cookie cutting!

Now I know the Senior C/S AO (Griffie Blythe) got in trouble earlier about cookie cutter programs, but it was still going on, its just that they wanted it done their way.

Anyways, after that paperwork was done, they wanted me to start programming the folders. In order to get it all done by the deadline, I would have to program like 8 - 10 per day. LRH says programming a folder can take hours. Besides doing my post, I had to do this. You do the math. And big ethics if it weren't done.

Meanwhile, in the middle of all this, some kid at Flag flaps somehow because he was a past life Clear, only gave a Clear cog or something. So then they decided just because someone gave the Clear Cog, that does not mean that they are Clear. Evidence needs to be proven. Kinda like I guess more to the person past life, getting the name, folders, confirming hours of auditing and so forth. So then we had to go through everyone's Clear thing AGAIN and all these people we thought were Clear really weren't (to tell you the truth, I didnt understand what the heck that was all about).

I remember thinking "Make up your fricken MIND!!!" I really got crazy about how the tech seemed to change so much.

And then poor Bruce was C/Sing a girl who was going onto the OT Levels. She was all good to go, and the folder came back from RTC with a note "where is the Clear evidence?". To me, that sounds like a perfectly normal question. That is something that must be provided and tabbed for anyone to get onto the OT Levels. OK, so Bruce took this to mean that she was not Clear. So he decided to let her know that she is not Clear and will need to be audited to Clear before embarking onto the OT Levels. Well, little did he know this girl was prone to violence (hah, a Clear, right?). Well, she was given her non-Clear info and blew up!! She got violent and went out of the room, out of the building, storming down the street towards her car, maybe running out of Scn. But they caught up with her, and with alot of physical and verbal persuasion, they got her back into the org, where the Senior C/S talked to her for a while.

So Bruce got in big trouble for that, big org flap (because the pc thought that the not Clear thing was from RTC so they were on the lines, and not happy about that too!). So Bruce and others were getting Comm Ev'ed. I offered to help Bruce, but he just kept crying and banging on the folder trying to figure out what to do. I can't remember how it finally got resolved, but I know they did decide that she was Clear... pulled the evidence out of someone's .... excuse me. That was just how things seemed to get done. It's political. So she went onto her OT Levels and when she saw some of that information, same reactions in the OT courserooms - having violent, screaming, crying, wanting out, etc. I don't think her case was handled right....

Sorry for those who may not understand the technical side of this, but I feel this part is important to why I got out. Now, if someone from inside were to tell you why I got out, it would be a totally different story. But the motivations behind my actions are covered here. No, they did not make me do anything (they say, but check out the technical stuff and how we had to do it. That is bull and not LRH, if LRH is right anyways, which I don't even know now), and I did my own thing to get myself in trouble. I did it to get out of there. I did not want to blow, I figured I would go the slow way out, I guess. I don't know. Soon that part will come up. And what I did was considered very bad there. When I bring it up. please don't judge. Well, you can I guess. Go ahead. But I had to get out of there. And I think the way I did it was pretty smooth.

OK, this is pretty close to the end here.

Having been in the RPF a number of times and hating the RPF, being way over-audited on FPRD, not even on my own track, evaluations up the kazoo, constant ethics handlings, constant fixing of ME, instead of the groups aberration, I was pretty much frustrated, fed up and did not care. And yet I continued to pretend that I was part of the group and doing my job to Clear the planet. Yep, I pretended all the way to security, my Comm Ev and all the way to getting out the door. My mother thinks I will do A to E. But, after a break from Scn and reflections, I don't think that is something I will do anytime soon.

(I was about to submit this part and remembered another important part to this story which I had not mentioned yet, so it is interjected here One of the auditors at ASHO, named Cathy, was a Class VI Intern who was having a lot of trouble with everything: her pc's, her life, her family, her internship, everything was really a mess. And she was not taking the time to sort them out and was just trying to kinda get through each day. Then one day IAS regged her for 50,000, which she donated. Soon after that, who knows if it is related, she blew in her car and was driving all over. She was recovered (I don't recall how) and the folder sent to me and the Senior C/S to figure out what to do with her. When we looked through all the info, it turned out she was majorly introspected and ......... yep - you guessed it. The big ol' rundown for her too!!! Introspection RD. (I wonder, was it what I needed and that was why everyone else was getting it? No. Not really, but why were there so many, huh?). So I ended up C/Sing it and someone else was auditing it. I never saw the outcome of it because I got busted before she finished.

So, somewhere in there, I got into a several day fling with another staff member. One of the really big problems with that from the church standpoint was that it was a person of the same sex as me. We did not even go very far or do much, just enough to get me in a lot of hot water. I don't even have those tendencies, never did and only did it to get out. (I guess I decided to just say it here because if anything ever did come up from them about me, it would be this. Because that is all there is. But I think a point the Illusioness made on another thread about RFW and how they offend people they don't even know would be the same here on this. Putting this thing I did as a bad thing could make THEM look bad in the eyes of alot of people that are now accepting this type of thing). And anyways, I have been in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex (same person) for over 2 years now.

Anyways, this thing happened and I did not come clean on it. And the other person supposedly tried to kill themselves (not true) and then put under watch and they assigned me to audit them. I should have refused. But I audited her and never mentioned anything about the truth, and she was offloaded quickly. So then several months later it all came out, because they couldn't hold it in anymore and it was reported.

And so security called me and wanted me to go down to security for a talk and that was the beginning of the end. Cool. I was under 24 hour watch and on decks for like 3 months (because I had to get a Comm Ev and sec check and its hard to find auditors for OT's, and things like that). So I got declared by Comm Ev for that and then got a sec check and left.

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I did get to talk to my mom a number of times through all of that and we had some good talks. She helped me financially because she bought my meter from me, which gave me more money to start out with. She also really wanted me to do my A to E and return to lines. She told me she loves me, and we hugged and I left. She knew where I was going. We talked about it, looked at it on a map and everything. (I have since moved though so she does not know where I am).

Unfortunately, she has never mentioned me to family or checked on me at all. I don't know if this is her own doing, or the church.

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Meanwhile, I was sent to live with a couple other people who were declared who were willing to help out. I could not stay there long because the guy was (and still is) obsessed with me. He has some weird ideas about me stalking him spiritually. I am about ready to get a restraining order from him.

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Meanwhile, I went to a reunion of my family, which I had never been to. People were so glad to see me there. They were also surprised that I was allowed to go. I had a nice long conversation with my grandparents. My grandfather was concerned that I would be going back into the church and didnt want that. I was surprised to find out really how anti-Scn my grandparents are. They never would say stuff to me when I was in, but when I got out, and they knew I was really out, they laid out how they really felt, about the years of frustration, about the embarrassment of their daughter, who they tolerate now, but barely speak to. It's a sad, sad situation.

And I get vacation time at work, paid. And I have already made time to see them several times and they love that. They are so surprised that I am able to visit so much. More than ever in my life.

I can't say my life is awesome or anything. Because there are downfalls. My mother, who I will probably never see, my father, who is declared and is not responding to letters or phone calls and I don't know why. My brother, who is still connected to my mom and Scn, so I can't talk to him either.

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Another conversation with my mom was the "PR" story to tell my grandparents. I was to tell them what happened and that I have to fix things. But she even told me when they passed, send flowers, don't go to the funeral because she was going to be there. I agreed at the time.

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So that is basically it. Part II was left out and still is at this point. It is a very hard one for me. I may post it later. And also ... there will be reflections I am sure. Lots of things to add, with having been in for so long.

Phew. Hope it was a good read, I kept you entertained, and you have learned what it is like being raised in the Sea Org. And, in my mind, I never got a chance to chose if I wanted to be there or not. I guess I assumed it was my only choice. I was afraid of WOGS, afraid of having to find a job (before I joined, not after. After I left I was not concerned about it at all).

Peace to you all.

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