Answers?

Moderator: doubleVee

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careyh

Non-E

Posts: 2

Joined: Fri Jan 31, 2014 4:13 am

Post Fri Feb 07, 2014 4:29 pm

Answers?

Hello. I am just hoping for some general answers. When my husband was about 4 months old, his parents moved to Sea Org. Shortly after this, his mom was sent to Florida. We "think" his mom was gone for about one year, but she basically refuses to speak of her time in Scn. She has told us that when she returned, he did not know who she was, or that she was his mother. Other than that, all we really know is that he lived in some sort of nursery, his dad lived in an apartment, and his mom was somewhere in FL doing something. Neither of them are in Scn any more, nor is my husband or anyone else in our family.

My husband never really questioned any of this until we had our own children. He now understands that a mother leaving her 4 month old child for a year or longer is not normal.

Here we are, several years into our marriage, and two children later, I believe he may have some attachment disorders, or, problems connecting with people, if that makes any sense? Has anyone else experienced this, or does anyone else think this could be possible? I do wonder if some of this could possibly stem from his time at Sea Org and his mother and father being absent during this time of his young life?

His parents are divorced and neither of them will really discuss their Scn time at all.

Can anyone describe what a Sea Org nursery would be like, or what his day would have been like when he was there? Who cared for him?!?! If he cried in the middle of the night, did anyone get up to comfort him? Who fed him and changed his diapers? Did they get to play? How many kids would he have lived with in the nursery? I just feel like any insight into these first 2 years or so of his life would help me/us understand some emotional issues that he/we have experienced. I see him with our kids, and he LOVES them, he really does, but I also see a part of him that isn't able to connect in a way?

Any information would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for your help and time.
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easylinus

Non-E

Posts: 3

Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 5:32 pm

Post Wed Feb 19, 2014 10:38 pm

Re: Answers?

Oh my God, I feel so bad for you and your husband. I am so sorry that you guys are going through this, and especially that your husband went through this at such a young age.

I really wish someone would reply to your post! I just got here yesterday. I am brand new and looking at the forums, I can see that it is not exactly bustling with action. However, I am SO thankful that it is here and that these posts are being read eventually by like-minded folks who definitely understand us and actually care - very much. I think we just need patience.

However, I would like to at least try to answer a little bit for you, with little I know, or rather, I was never in the Sea Org. But, I know a lot about the Sea Org. I was on staff and I was trained at the AO in Los Angeles and knew many, many people in the SO. I've heard from them what the nursery was like, what birthing was like, and of course these things were a bit different for everyone depending on their posts, but not generally.

I can only imagine what the nursery was like, and I hate to have to tell you that it probably was not a good place to leave any child, ever. It amazes me that Family Services doesn't know about it and/or doesn't shut it down. Perhaps they skirt by because, for all intents and purposes, it probably operates as a nursery during the day. It probably has enough staff to watch the children. In the night, there may or may not be enough staff watching them. How qualified they are is another question.

Per the tenants of Scientology, as there are many that are so ass-backwards when it comes to empathy (which is often confused with sympathy/pity and victimization), I wouldn't be surprised if they would allow a child to cry their head off when they needed to be held. I certainly wouldn't put it past them! And as far as health care, Jesus!

Most importantly in your husband's case, and your mother-in-law's, this is a question of mental health. I am NOT a psychologist, and I will make that clear right off the bat, so please, please, please be extremely aware of that fact. I am only guessing based on my knowledge from reading and my own experience in my own background in my own childhood, and years of really good therapy...

That being said, the conditions could have been so bad for your husband, combined with the fact that he was abandoned by his mom (needing his mother desperately), that we naturally have fear in these situations and have that Fight or Flight response. A lot of people call this a panic attack when it's really intense.

What I'm trying to say is that your husband is most likely disassociating when he is being triggered about his own childhood experiences. And even though this has NOTHING to do with how much he truly DOES love his children, at times, being around them can trigger him.

A lot of ex-Scios and ex-cult members have disassociation problems. It's actually very common. I think I had a year-long panic attack the first year I was out. I have been disassociating ever since! And I've been out for 14 years.

I would really suggest your husband try a therapist that he could really trust that deals in cult-exiting, or at least dissociative disorders, and perhaps he won't drift off and feel disconnected with his children and you, or the Earth. It's really not his fault. That was a VERY traumatic experience. Perhaps more than he is giving weight to. Four months old is an age where, I mean, you know! You have had your children now, and he has been there. So that's really a key moment in development for a child.

I hope some of this helps.

And I hope your mother-in-law seeks help at some point and stop burying her experiences in the cult.

Best of luck to you.
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easylinus

Non-E

Posts: 3

Joined: Sat Feb 08, 2014 5:32 pm

Post Wed Feb 19, 2014 11:05 pm

Re: Answers?

Also, I was just thinking. Your mother-in-law might be burying her feelings about her time in Scientology because she probably feels terrible about leaving her son for so long at that nursery. That guilt might be eating at her when any of those memories start simmering up at the surface for her. That can't be pleasant for her either.

Anyway, my prayers are definitely with you and your family. <3
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doubleVee

User avatar

Forum Moderator

Posts: 471

Joined: Tue Apr 01, 2008 7:14 am

Location: Las Vegas

Post Thu May 12, 2016 3:53 pm

Re: Answers?

So I realize this post is 2 years old, but I want to reply for anyone else that comes across it.

Infants in this situation were treated the same as babies in orphanages in third world countries; that is, they were left either in a crib or on the floor (there were not enough cribs) and picked up to be fed. Studies have shown that without this human contact and time reacting to faces, the infants brains do not grow the way they are supposed to. (BTW they were probably also fed barley water instead of formula which is NOT an appropriate replacement and does not contain needed nutrients for brain growth.) This kind of early neglect leads to problems with attachment.

I have studied this extensively for several years, as preparation for becoming an adoptive parent. I was horrified at the similarity to SO kids. Please read up on the result of neglect in international orphanages. Also read up on Reactive Attachment Disorder. This is the most extreme result of such an upbringing. RAD can be dealt with but you need therapy to have healthy relationships in the future. Connecting to humans after missing out on these early neurological building blocks is HARD. There are tons of websites out there about it, and many good books as well. If you think you have issues with this yourself it can be really eye-opening to read.
Somebody has to speak for these people.... no more running. I aim to misbehave.... If you can't do something smart, do something right. (Serenity)

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