What I would say to MY mother

Mom, you made your own choice.

You chose Scientology over being a parent to your kids. I get it -- you think that saving the world through Scientology was and is more important than being there for us.

When faced with serious issues in your own family, you chose your own temporary peace of mind over the long-term happiness and sanity and health of your children. You went with what was easiest instead of dealing with the problems -- no matter how bad they got.

You did these things knowingly and as an adult.

You must now deal with the consequences of those choices. Do not complain to me, when the decisions were entirely yours and I was merely along for the ride.

You have never asked my forgiveness. You will not get it. I can empathize with your situation to a degree. I will never feel sympathy for you. No mercy is forthcoming from me. What compassion I naturally felt for you has been burned out of me by your continued demonstrations that my survival and happiness does not matter to you in the least.

My happiness, and the happiness of my family, is of vital importance to me and that will never change. You want me to suffer in the name of your religion, in the name of your greater good. That will not happen again.

I have suffered long enough under the weight of your decisions. I refuse to live with the results of your choices any longer.

I am an adult. Just as you did, I make my own choice. That my life no longer includes you or your chosen religion is my own decision and no one else's.

This is the result of your own actions. Deal with it.

I was having a bad day. Needed to vent.

I've been attempting to disconnect from her (I know that's backwards from what most of us go through). I spent the last 5 years trying to repair our relationship, without result. The best it ever gets is her "good roads fair weather-ing" me for a few letters/phone calls, before going back to the same old stuff -- that is, pressuring me to get back onlines, and to shut up about whatever it is I'm upset about. AFter so many years of the same cycle over and over, I've had it. It's obviously not going anywhere.

I stopped talking to her this spring. She ambushed me at my grandparent's house, and we had a big fight, with her accusing me of having heinous crimes and so on (I mean, why else would I be upset?). I told her that I was getting too upset by her and had to focus on being happy for my husband and kid(s). This is more important than anything else. I can't afford this enturbulation from her. She didn't like that, but I changed my contact information so she had no way to get hold of me.

But, she did her usual thing, and called up my brother at Flag, and cried on him until he gave her my info. So I got a letter from her the other day. That's why I was upset. Luckily my address is changing next week.

I have told her that should she leave the SO, I will make sure she has somewhere to go and is ok. I won't have my own mother being homeless or something. She has been told that by her siblings as well. Other than that, I will have nothing to do with her. I don't think even then she would admit to everything that happened. I think it would crush her. She just can't face the truth.

I know it sounds selfish, but I need to take care of myself. I've spent enough time trying to placate her. I have other people to take care of now.

As for depression being anger channelled inward, I think that's true. When I used to cut myself it was usually out of rage that I couldn't express any other way. I don't know why rage at other people turns into rage at self, it just did. But I'm a long way past that now. Years past it chronologically, lifetimes past it emotionally.

Thanks for the support guys.