To reform Scientology

Here are some possible scenarios for reforming Scientology. I think they are plausible and welcome counterpoints. I hope said counterpoints will refrain from insults. This is intended as satire and may not reflect fact (although it would be great if it one day did).

#1: New Leader Takes Over.

"Greetings, Scientologists. I am Jason, your just appointed RTC Chairman of the Board. I have several policies I want you all to put into effect immediately. Basically the idea of these policies is I want Scientology to be a kinder gentler more popular church."

#2: Old Leader Condemned.

"This is Jason. I have determined that Damian, my predecessor, was a Suppressive Person. No one detected it before me. That's okay. I caught him, he's gone. We won't have any more contact with him or give him any more power over us, will we? Now, that leaves us the problem of all he did to mess up Scientology while he was in charge..."

#3: Tech Misinterpreted.

"Damian regularly applied our tech in the most stringent and fanatical measures. He was wrong to do this. I'm not saying you're an SP because you went along with his ways, but it was wrong to do so. Please apply the tech my way instead. I will see you up the lines."

#4: Unrevealed OT Level.

"People have been asking me lately how I dare come to the revelations I have. Why do I see so much about Scientology others have not before? I think it is because I am the first to attain OT 17. At this level of teachings, the Scientologist is informed of all my new policies. Further, they are advised these policies are the best way to clear the planet and should be shared with everyone no matter their place on the Bridge. I am following what I have learned."

#5: Upstat Means Untouchable.

"Our stats have been on the rise since my policies were first implemented. The trend has only continued. You may not like my compassionate liberal way of doing things, but consider the effect it is having on the church."

#6: Conflicting Policies.

"Your auditor may have told you taking psych meds was wrong for Scientologists. A PR person said different in an official statement to the press. The PR person was correct. The auditor was wrong. It's official now."

#7: No One's Correcting Me.

"Doing things this way is working for us. It's true. It's right. Who cares if it conflicts with the past?"

#8: Misattribution of Tech as True?

[Jason, this is Damian. You are the SP! OT 17 does not say what you claim it said. You know it, and I looked at it before I left.]
"Prove you're right, Damian. Find me a copy of OT 17."
[The only copy was in our archives. There was a fire there recently.]
"Yes, and I rescued the copy and many other documents. They are preserved in our new archives. They all reflect what I have said."
[Very convienent.]
"Yes, it is."
[You know, Jason, there are a lot of people who don't like what you're doing with Scientology. They consider it squirreling and want to break off from you and form a church that will get back to the right way of doing things.]
"Fine. They want to concentrate on amassing money and raising the numbers of SPs in the world, making people think we're a cult and decide to oppose us, that's their business. But they will not be welcome in a church that is going to clear the planet. My church."
[You can't disconnect from us, Jason. We are here! We will always be here. Hello? Oh crud, he hung up!]

I hope you guys are laughing as hard as me.