leaving the SO - points of view
It would take quite a lot to explain to someone how one goes from total supporter/nearly fanatical proponent of something, to being its enemy. (Yes, I said enemy. I don't use that word lightly.) I'm not going to try and talk about that here, I'm just going to assume that most of you have an idea what I'm talking about.
When I left the Sea Org, I was not against Scientology. In fact, I wasn't even against the SO yet. I hadn't had the time and space to consider what had really gone on there. I still thought that it was all my fault, that I was the bad one. I still believed in Scientology tech, and the OT levels, and all of that. As a little time went on, I admitted to myself that the SO was totally messed up as an organization. But I still believed in Scn.
So what this means is that I left the SO, and Scientology as a whole, thinking that I was giving up my ETERNAL FREEDOM. I cried all night sometimes because I knew I would never reach OT, that I would be trapped in this MEST universe and cycle of reincarnation forever. It hurt. The thing was, Scientology hurt MORE.
My mom and various other people looked at me in disbelief and asked "What about total spiritual freedom? Don't you want that for the planet? For yourself? How can you give up OT?" I didn't know how to answer them and didn't try. But the answer is that, at the time, I was in so much agony from these groups (SO and Scn) that I could not continue, even at the cost of my own immortal happiness. Yes, I would rather continue being a stupid homo sapiens forever than EVER go in session again, ever deal with the org again, ever grovel my way back into their good graces again.
Wow that's a big statement. If I could have articulated it at the time, perhaps SOMEONE would have understood the state of mind I was in. That's a lot of pain and suffering, to get to that point, isn't it?
I wonder just what it will take others. I want to ask certain pro-Scn people "How much is it going to take? How far will you let it go before you speak up?" Apparently it's pretty far! Many people are willing to cover up things they know are bad or wrong, because they don't want to jeopardise their own OT levels or the availablility of OT as a whole. I guess they think it's worth a bit of injustice, a bit of dying.
Now, as time has gone on I have come to believe that I was not in fact giving up immortal spiritual freedom and the OT powers of God. I don't believe in that anymore. (My mom says that's basically sour grapes. It's not.) My point of view is very different because I have come to believe Scn is a whole lot of bull. That's a different conversation though, because I find it hard to explain what I do and don't believe and why. It's complicated.
What I am wondering is, how did the rest of you feel at the time when you left the Sea Org? Or if you weren't in, when you left Scientology? Did you know it was all crap? Did you still believe in the tech but dislike the org? Has your point of view changed between then and now? What did you think you were giving up?
I think it's interesting how my own opinion has changed so many times and so drastically over the last decade. I think that is sort of the key part to our story. Especially when it comes to communicating with active Scientologists. They can't grok where we are at. But most of us didn't arrive here overnight! (At least, I think so.) It was a long, strange trip for me, with a lot of stops.