My early childhood was pretty normal and pretty devoid of Scientology's influence. My parents were not actively getting auditing or taking courses. Minor processes like Touch Assists, Nerve Assists and Contact Assists were used. Sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn't. My grandmother would take me to Church occasionally (you know, the place with pews and bibles) and my mom would tell me about some Native American and Eastern beliefs. Morals instilled in me at a young age were based on Karma and doing right by your family and doing right by God and Spirits. I was pretty much taught not to be a douche-bag.
By the time I was 8 years old things were going well for my family. My older sister was an accomplished athlete in school and in local sports leagues. My dad was climbing the corporate ladder at work and my mother was working at a local elementary school. This was a year of change. My dad had begun to receive auditing and I believe had taken a few small courses and suddenly he presented my family with the final step of a Liability Formula. He asked if he could re-join our family unit. There was a big family meeting over this and we NEVER had family meetings. I asked at the time why he felt he had become a liability to the family (after the word was explained to me) it was because he failed to include Scientology in our lives. I remember feeling and possibly saying at the time that it didn't seem that it would make him a lesser Dad. In fact he was a great Dad. He coached my sisters softball team. He taught me how to play baseball and football. He bought me my first skateboard and knew enough to not buy me some crappy plastic one. He wouldn't yell at me for getting into fights as school no matter if I won or lost, he would just ask “what happened?” “Do you think you can avoid getting into a fight with this kid in the future?” “How are you going to deal with that when it happens again?”
These things are not the mark of a bad father. These things are the marks of a good and decent person and probably the best father I could have ever hoped for. Somehow though, it wasn't enough. I think the only real problem I had was that I was a horrible student. I refused to do homework, I was not very good with math and school was something I just didn't get. I could at least read a book, even if it took me a while, but there wasn't much out there that interested me and I never did have enough allowance to finance a decent comic book collection. So I was enrolled in a different school that used study tech. I went from a classroom of 30 kids to about 15 and that was everyone in my age range. It didn't seem too different. I did learn things that would have probably been lost in the shuffle in a larger class. But it was the beginning of my indoctrination in Scientology.
Shortly after I enrolled in the school, I started getting some auditing. By this time I was 10 and kind of an awkward kid. I don't remember much about the processes except for the “Havingness” processes... which I despised. But it was introductory and pretty light as far as I can remember. Over the next few years I did several courses. I ran the gamut of introductory courses from “The Way To Happiness” and the Basic Study Manual, to the TR.s and Objectives Co-Audit. I also enrolled in Delphi as the school I had been going to had some financial issues that I was never clear on.
I spent a school year at Delphi before my parents split. I wasn't a particularly model student as I didn't understand the work-load that I was being saddled with, I was constantly looking for the “long story short.” The reading list was also more than I could reasonably deal with as each book required a book report and writing by hand vexed me at the time as it caused considerable pain. I never knew why, but like all things in SCN, it was attributed to misunderstood words, engrams and overts. Auditing wasn't allowed at Delphi, but word-clearing was. The simple fact of the matter was that I didn't “get it” and I didn't understand why I didn't “get it”. I knew the words, could pass start rate checkouts, but I had no real interest in the vast majority of the information. The science and history check sheets (among the few that I enjoyed) were entirely too short for my tastes and I tore through them voraciously whereas other subject such as math and grammar were entirely too redundant for my tastes.
That being said, my parents split up. I learned later that it essentially had to do with their varying interest in Scientology. My dad was completely on board. My mother, was not. She was finishing her college education and is now and English Teacher at a magnet high school. She also had attested to Clear by this time. This is also when I learned of my true parentage and that my dad, wasn't biologically related to me. I thought back as far as I could and the memories of my parents wedding suddenly made a bit more sense. I was oddly comfortable with all of this. My parents didn't love each other anymore, it wasn't my fault and as long as nobody insisted on being difficult, it would work out reasonably well.
Work out reasonably well, it did. However, I wasn't able to keep going to Delphi since with the divorce, they weren't quite able to pay for the tuition. So I enrolled in the Junior High School that my mother was teaching at. Through a strange twist of fate, I was even in her English class for a day, but we both voiced our discomfort and this was changed in very short order. I was also on my Student Hat, advancing my Scientology studies... never mind the fact that I was a year behind in school. My friends that I knew from elementary school (before SCN schools) were a year ahead of me so there was an immediate social disconnect... especially at this particular school. At any rate, I did fairly well. It was the first time that I went to different classes for different subjects. It was the first time I could read something like Shakespeare or Plato and get credit for it. My Scientology indoctrination gave one thing to me that no school could give. I gained excellent reading comprehension. I fell back into my habits of ignoring homework but I passed every test. In fact the only Cs I got were in math and while I understood the principles, there was just something I wasn't getting. Even still, homework was part of my overall grade and while I did assignments that were supposed to be done in a week or more and got no less than an A- on every test (other than math) I still came out as a solid B and C student.
Now keep in mind the SCN propaganda regarding American education. This is a field that has been infiltrated by psychs. The system is inherently suppressive and other such nonsense. Not to say that the education system doesn't have its problems but this is suburbia, not some inner city school that lacks funding or some backwater school touting the virtues of Jim Crow Laws. I felt that my report card represented the inherent injustice of the system... so I diligently worked on getting kicked out. This went from the classic firecracker in the bathroom, to picking fights and being tastelessly forward with the opposite sex. Unfortunately, I didn't bank on the incompetence of bureaucracy. Didn't get caught for the firecrackers. Most of the kids I beat up were viewed as trouble-makers that deserved it, the lewd and lascivious conduct only got me a little play before I knew what to do about it and nobody really payed attention until I nailed the Vice Principal with a water balloon... a week before summer vacation. My mom transferred to a different school the following year and my parents sent me back to Delphi.... but the rebellious teenage years had begun.
Fast forward a little bit, nothing much to see here other than completing my Student Hat course, my PTS/SP course, Method 1 Co-Audit and a bit more auditing. There was a fair amount of recruitment for Staff and the Sea Org, but my mother, having sole custody wasn't having any of it. She had completely stopped getting any auditing or taking any courses and was generally viewed as “disaffected.” I was doing much better at Delphi even though I was doing the redundant check sheets and wasn't learning enough of what I wanted to learn, but it all seemed easier. I had SCN friends, I had WOG friends. Some of my best friends were ex meth junkies and had plenty of joints passed my way, but they knew that I had a “look but don't touch” policy when it came to drugs. I was definitely a black sheep at Delphi. I smoked and drank on campus (never got caught)... nothing dulled the pain of a convoluted grammar check sheet like a screwdriver and a cigarette. I refused to cut my hair regardless of the dress code and when I went into the Science lab people started to understand what “napalm in the morning” actually did smell like. I brought the Anarchists Cookbook to school and was eventually asked to leave. No disciplinary hearing, no heavy ethics actions simply the the Qual Sec and Ethics Officer telling me that I was a very creative and dynamic student and that the Delphi curriculum wouldn't serve me well. I don't know what that says about actual Delphi graduate and I am still not sure what that says about me.
This was at the end of the school year and I ended up grounded for the whole summer to do conditions. My dad was pissed at me for the first time that I can remember, but I was given the option to find another school. I looked at Ability Plus and even Notre Dame High (Catholic School, but it was and still is a very good one) and a few other schools that I cannot immediately recall. Ultimately I decided on a small SCN school that was out of the way but covered the basics and would pretty much let me study what I wanted to with a few stipulations. However, this school was TINY only two of the teachers had any sort of credentials but they were educated people in their own right. The science teacher was an interesting cat. He spent a good deal of his life working as a mechanic but had actually taken some physics and engineering classes in college and in the world of the emerging inter-net, he was pretty savvy. In two years I covered 3 years of textbooks and not only caught up but technically graduated a little early.
Now I was free. I had a job at a small electronics company that I had worked at off and on throughout high school, but I had also been constantly recruited to join the Sea Org for the past 6 years and when my mother no longer had a say in saving my ass, I joined. I almost literally went from the Prom (at a Delphi oddly enough) to the EPF.
My Sea Org story is very much like others that you may have read. The EPF went pretty smooth for me, I finished my courses in a week and acted as the Deputy Bosun for a week waiting for my Fitness Board to be approved... there were some questionable things on there but somebody pushed it through since my “production recored clearly supported my qualifications as a Sea Org member.” I graduated the EPF and was routed to my org. I expedited for a couple of weeks while I finished my Staff Status courses. Then I was put on my first post and after my first week on post I got my first signature face ripping by an executive since my stats did not go up enough. I buckled down and shortly had my stats in affluence (the post had been unoccupied for a year prior so the fact that someone was in a chair with a pulse was a vast improvement). I put a lot of work into re-inventing and modernizing the post. I worked with INCOMM at times to get some added computerization and finally, I was put on a special fund-raising project... the details of which I will leave out. I will just say that I was under a good deal of pressure to deliver a particular product. When I was out of resources, I had a lapse of judgment and went about getting my product by means that were not entirely legitimate. I came clean in a routine write-up of overts and withholds and proposed ways to undo what I had done. I was promptly removed from post by Urgent Directive and put under Comm-Ev.
I did decks work, I did an ethics program, I did lower conditions. My Comm-Ev was little more than a witch hunt as it submitted my “lack of progress” on a three page ethics program as evidence of “no ethics change” in its first submission when in fact I had completed all of the assignments and was working on the condition of Liability when I had first met with the Committee. My Comm-Ev was rejected by IJC four times before IJC canceled it. I was off scott-free, I had completed my lower conditions perfectly within policy, I was accepted back into the group by 90% of the staff at my org, even the CO, Supercargo, Chief Officer and LRH Comm approved my condition write-up and request to re join the group. However, the MAA petitioned RTC to have my comm-ev put back on the lines in violation of the double jeopardy clause (yes, it exists in SCN policy). My comm-ev bounced around for another month until IJC canceled it for the second time. At this point an unfortunate series of events took place. I was pulled in for a metered ethics interview. I answered the question “Have you knowingly violated policy.” with “I don't know.” Which was perfectly true and honest, I had been helping various people and divisions around the base on a variety of things and I was unfamiliar with all the policies governing those areas but there were somethings that I was requested or ordered to do that did not seem right but I did not have the time to look up the appropriate policies. The MAA's face became very grim and I knew that would be fuel to have me shit-canned... especially since there was an ethics mission in the org from CMO Int.
Twenty minutes after the ethics interview I was given another face ripping that I had grown so accustomed to over the years and twenty-four hours later I was being handed my RPF assignment. Eight hours after that, I was routing onto the RPF, determined to get a Board of Review. Certainly I couldn't be RPFed for something that I had been tried for twice. My first Board of Review canceled my RPF assignment, but since the Board was convened locally and not by an authority higher than CMO Int, it was deemed invalid. I then petitioned for a Board of Review from CMO Int, which upheld my assignment...as did the Board convened by RTC. This is all regardless of blatant violations of LRH justice policy.
I spent a good deal of time on the RPF, more time than I had spent in the Sea Org proper. I was injured several times during the course of my work. I received no less than one-hundred and some-odd stitches from various accidents. I had second degree burns, I lost use of a body part that while I received medical attention for and a good deal of auditing for, I have yet to receive and actual compensation for. I lived through the schedule and bore the lack of contact with the outside world. I saw some of the subtle world social changes trickle in via new RPFers and when Sea Org crew took pity and made sure there was a radio within earshot. I was an MAA, an Auditor, a PC a construction worker and I was on the RPFs RPF. I saw people come and go. I saw people get into serious deep shit for figuring out ways to meet in private and have hot sweaty sex. I saw people graduate, but more often, I saw people leave. I was twinned with some very interesting characters, some of which had bigger problems than just being on the RPF. I saw people seriously lose their shit and go raving motherfucking batshit crazy. I had one twin who wanted to marry me after the RPF and another who thought I was her husband in another life. I had one twin who was gay and thought I was too... with subsequent discomfort. I had a twin that nobody wanted to help because “she was a slut” (I thought she was one of the most normal people there). I saw a lot of strange and fucked up shit on the RPF. I did a lot of strange and fucked up shit on the RPF.
On the up side, I learned many aspects and means of construction. I learned how to weld, how to wire a building, how to form and pour concrete for a variety of applications, I learned how to make any number of things out of sheet metal, I learned carpentry and cabinetry and many things in between. I also learned that in this environment, Scientology was not working for me and finally, I learned to just walk away. Sure I was sec-checked and had to sign several affidavits in order to leave and many of my friends went through considerable effort to get me to stay but in the end I had to stick with what Scientology taught me early on in life. Stay true to yourself and true to what you believe, never compromise your integrity.
I have been out of the Sea Org for several years now and have no real successes to write about, I have only recently come to terms with what I see now as the truth about Scientology. There is a lot of good to be had by studying Hubbard's works, but as I have studied other practices and other philosophies, it has become apparent to me that the tenets of Scientology are nothing new. The concepts of ARC and the Cycle of Action and Cycle of Communication have merit and applications, but they are not revolutions in the Humanities. The processes are new and like the assists from my childhood, sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. Sec Checking is an utter failure in the manner which it is applied. Living with a clear conscience is one thing, confessing all possible sins in a format that can be used against you is something else entirely.
My take on Scientology and the CHURCH of Scientology are two completely different things, but my view of the religious teachings, upper levels and core beliefs are irrelevant and personal. I will never attack or stand by anyone who attacks somebody based on what they personally believe, however I will attack and stand by anyone who attacks institutions that A) Cannot follow their own rules B) institute coercive, mentally damaging and unlawful forms of “rehabilitation” and C) Fail to face the music of their own crimes and continually attempt to deflect evidence presented before them by inventing crimes for detractors.
Just remember, a criminal will accuse other of what he himself is doing. Considering that I have faced the music of my mis-deeds by more than one standard of jurisprudence, there is only one other elephant in the room.