My Coming out story...

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Chenged Being


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Joined: Fri Nov 14, 2008 9:31 pm

Location: Toronto, Canada

Post Mon Apr 13, 2009 11:49 pm

My Coming out story...

This was posted in 2006 on OCMB thought I would post it here for everone to see.


Coming of age...

I remember the police at reception at the Toronto Org, when I was young. The officer stood there and waited for some time talking with the receptionist, this was after the largest raid in Canadian history by the Ontario Provincial Police. But I was young and didn’t know why the police were there, I remember asking why and the receptionist wouldn’t answer my questions.

My name is Ryan, I grew up in Scientology from the age of 5, and I remember bits and pieces of my scientology upbringing. My main point of this is to help others know what it was like to grow up a Scientologist, my relationships with the people at the Org and what it was like in the Sea Org. I’m going to tell you about my life in scientology and after it.
Growing up in the org was a team effort; I used to spend my weekends at the org running around as a child. If my parents couldn’t afford a baby sitter I would go to the org, doing things for different staffers as exchange for money, or would help the promo department stuff envelopes or help clean. I also helped the Div 6ers hand out flyers to the passers by who would sometimes question the fact that I was a child, handing out flyers for a questionable religion. This brought up the point, that it was form exploitation; it did as a kid make me question things sometimes.

I attended several Scientology schools, as well as public schools. The Scientology schools made sure that I didn’t learn. I hated them, I was put on different ethics programs because I wasn’t doing well. To help deal with me as I now am pretty sure I suffered from ADHD, the school and my parents as well as a Scientology Doctor put me on a vitamin regimen consisting of B, C, and most importantly Niacin. I remember the times I spent after taking my vitamins at school I would get a Niacin flush and as a young child this was devastating. I would turn red and my skin would become inflamed and itchy as well I would become disoriented and dizzy, needless to say I would run all by myself to the washroom and sponge myself down with cold water and toilet paper, this was torture as child. Yet Scientology seems to make a huge deal out of kids who are on Psychiatric medications to treat ADHD, this was scientology’s solution to the problem.

At one point I was physically attacked by the dean of the school she, marched me down to ethics with her hands straddled around my neck. When I did attend public school it was a different, it was like black and white, the teachers were compassionate and understanding and never once did a get treated like I was “ethics bait’ for not looking up words or falling behind on my school work. I became emotionally attached to some of my teachers as that compassion was for me very healthy, but my parents made sure that attachment never lasted long. We as a Scientology family disseminated and books of Dianetics given to my teachers which actually embarrassed me as a kid.

My childhood was turbulent, I was born to a Schizophrenic mother who beat the womb, swallowed razor blades and threw furniture off 19th story balcony she was very ill. I know now that I probably have suffered from beatings in the womb. After I was born I was placed in foster care as my father worked for Greyhound and was not able to care for me and my mother had been institutionalized. My foster family was caring loving and compassionate and I was very happy. They at one point put in an application to adopt me. My Dad was just at that time getting into Scientology and decided that Scientology would be best for me and gained custody of me. My Father upon meeting my step mother decided that auditing was a good solution for what had happened to me. Right from the first few sessions it was clear that I did not want auditing, but it was forced upon me. I remember my step mom giving me commands in session and I would go on rampages and destroy the auditing room and its contents, do anything but DO the process, eventually I gave in and began to have “wins” These “wins” were only short lived as I remember as I longed for my foster parents.

When I was 12 years old, my Parents decided that we would all sign billion year contracts and move to L.A. To join the Sea org. My father had some debts to handle one of which was to my foster mother, it I believe was a substantial amount of money but once my Dad contacted her all she wanted was to see me. I went and saw my foster mother and I think she knew from that moment that I was NOT happy with my parents. They asked me how I felt about moving to L.A. after spending some time there on my own and I burst into tears, knowing how much I knew my foster family cared. I kept in touch with my foster mom, and wrote her letters throughout the years and my step mom and dad never did make it into the sea org then. It turned out that my Mom had an out qual for the S.O. and this was after they sold all the furniture, moved out of our house and were now living with my step mothers Mom. It was me, my two step sisters and my parents. It was devastating, I was out of school, so were my sisters this was all really an upheaval.

My step mom and Dad, got resettled in a rooming house, all three of us kids sharing a small bedroom, my mom and dad having a space and there were two other people living and a three bedroom house. It was hard, and at the same time my Dad was struggling to make ends meet financially. It was a rough time for all of us. All I wanted was a “Normal” life and I was very depressed and wanted to be with my foster family. But there was not much they could really do legally to get custody after all those years.

Eventually we got resettled into a new rental house in the east end of Toronto and things were getting more normal again, my Dad got a new company together and we kids got settled into a new school nearby. I still was depressed, embarrassed that my parents were broke and that sometimes we couldn’t afford much. Then my step Mom got called to go to L.A. for the Key to Life evolution and left us for well over a year, with my Dad struggling financially he had decided to put all of us kids in one room and rented out the rest of the house to other scientologists. At the same time the Economy in Canada was going to crap and eventually my Dad’s business went for broke, at the same time my Step mom was in L.A. There were times when we had no lunch for school, no food in the fridge and my Dad was too embarrassed to get help from any government agencies except to go to the food bank on occasion. My Step mom’s mother eventually stepped up and decided to help out with some food, and also made sure we got new clothes and school stuff. I could tell that my Dad was embarrassed by this but he accepted it.
My step mom finally after a year and a few months came back from L.A. and she decided that she wanted me to get taken on as a Charity PC for clay table auditing for the Key to Life course. It started out ok, but then my auditor got sick. Then another twin was available and she happened to be around my age and went to the same Scientology school as me. So, this went well, and I seemed to be having wins again.

One thing we did do was take lots of walks as part of the clay table processing. On these walks we had so much fun, the Toronto Org happens to be right downtown with lots of shops and, we would hang out and she would go try clothes on and we would spend hours just window shopping trying on clothes, eating, and generally have a good time we were both in our teen years and it was fun to people gaze. She would look at guy’s and she tell me if they were hot or not, and I would pretend to check the girls out, it was at this time that I realized I was kind of gay, as were trying on clothes and eating out and being best friends.

We even spent time together off of course and she got me interested in fashion and music. So for once I was happy. I never wanted the clay table auditing to end, when I finally EP’ed I was devastated because I thought I would and knew I would loose my twin because I was a charity case and wouldn’t be doing the rest of the course. I got depressed for a while, but eventually got over it.

My high school years were cut short by two recruiters from Bridge Publications who were forcing me into service in the Sea Org, the Sea Org in Canada is pathetic and the conditions for staff were horrible. Bad food, living conditions that were deplorable long hours and no sleep, nasty dirty uniforms and the staff looked over worked and tired. But I was told that I was going to be going to L.A. do my EPF there and then come back to Canada to work for the continental publications liaison office, and the conditions wouldn’t be so bad.

One of the quotes they used to recruit me was a piece where LRH says there isn’t much time left only about 20 yrs and that was written in the seventies and now it was the 90’s and something had to be done fast. When someone tells you the world is going to end when your 13 yrs old it’s kind of devastating. So I signed up and flew down to PAC base to do my EPF. Well, I didn’t do so well, I got really homesick and the conditions at PAC were not good, crowded berthing and the big blue had huge earthquake cracks and I remember the police flying by in a helicopter with a search light in the middle of the night. I didn’t get much sleep and the food was pretty nasty, but I made good friendships.
I ended up coming back; I joined the Toronto day staff as a compromise but, eventually got recruited to go to the FLB as I was promised that the conditions on the EPF would be better plus I already had family there my Dads cousin and his wife were there. When I got to the FLB “the Mecca” I had visions of the grand place from all the glossy Source mags. But when I got there I found out that the conditions were not much different from the PAC base. I also found out that my Cousins wife, someone who I was hoping could be a mother figure for me was actually on the RPF something that I was never told before I went there so it was a shock, and I saw her sometimes as the RPF and the EPF used to cross paths and sometimes eat at the same time in the Elks building. I got to see her a bit, but she looked horrible, tired, neglected and sad! The food sucked and the Elks building was absolutely disgusting, eating with the cockroaches and dirty floors and the spaces were a nightmare. I also remember the EPF used to set up the officers mess, and I remember carting over the meals that were made at the Hibiscus just for the officers and the EPF got all the crapy food that was cooked in the Elks and leftover from the rest of the crew.

Then I finally finished the EPF after about 3 months or so and got posted as a film I/C in the newly renovated HCI which was kind of cool, I liked the responsibility of showing films in the new digs to the paid students.
After my posting as Film I/C I got posted as a folder page in for the SHSBC, which was fine for me. The FSO was doing well, had just made their fist 5 million in one week. After a few months as a folder page someone mentioned to me about going on tour for the new launch of Flag World tour. My cousin was the Tour Ops and I went on tour to Saint Hill. I loved it at saint hill, was Ron’s home and I did well, with H/E attendance and I got to meet and work with Marketing Executive International Mr. Ronnie Miscavage. I I also ran the Call-in unit well. My Step mom had decided that she wanted to come from Canada to do some repairs on her OT levels so I got to see her and she was SO proud of her son! Overall the tour went really well and then I was placed on recruit tour and got sent to Hungary and then To Germany, but the recruit tour didn’t go to well. I got sent back to flag because someone in the CL 5 Org in Stuttgart noticed I was spending long times in the Bathroom, I happened to be 17 at the time and well you can figure out the rest. : )

I also had noticed when I was in the U.K. that I was attracted to guy’s and well, some guy’s were interested in me as we were about the same age, but out of fear I never did anything which I regret now.
Upon arrival at flag I worked with Billy Lindstien and Pam Hubbert on recruitment, but that was short lived and I was HCO qualified and got posted as the HCO Org Officer as part of the prod, Org, Esto Project. It was at this time I was assaulted and strangled by a person who was upset over a personell move. This was witnessed by another staff member who came to my rescue, but it had a really bad effect on me at that time.

As well, I was also posted in HCO at the same time as the Lisa McPherson fiasco unfolded and was partly in charge of organizing the staff for the watches over her, and remember what the staff went through after having watched her being psychotic, and they were trying to do there posts and do watches and sometimes both myself and the people who were watching her wouldn’t get much sleep. HCO FSO as a rule never got much sleep especially the Executives, I worked with The Supercargo’s O/O who eventually blew and also with the Supercargo who eventually got RPFed as a list one R/S er. To be honest it was a very enturbulating time to be in HCO. Then Lisa died and things got very serious I was partly not really informed, but when I was told by Marcus Qurino that she died and was told not to say anything. When I did finally leave thee S.O. in 1999 I signed a bunch of legal papers.

After my posting in HCO I got removed just shortly after the Lisa fiasco, I was posted as a Folder page in the L’s HGC. This posting was good for me; I got my sleep and was kept on a good schedule. I eventually worked my way up to becoming the Board I/C and worked closely with the CL 12’s I found out that despite the fact the CL 12’s were at the top of the bridge that they were still human and they had lots of HE & R about things and this was hard at times to deal with to say the least. But I took joy in seeing my PC’s and getting them into session. I worked with quite a few celebrities.

I finally realized on an L.O.A. Back home to Toronto that I missed having a life and it took me months to do my doubt formula in ethics etc. I only found out that every time I did the doubt formula that it was rigged to keep me in the S.O. after about 6 monthes. Also I was struggling with a secret, that I was attracted guy’s and I knew that was enough to RPF me so I kept that to myself despite sec checks. Only on my Leaving staff sec check did I finally divulge my secret, something I had known for sometime.

I finally came back to Canada ironically exactly the same date I arrived in the U.S. just 5 yrs later. Upon arriving home I stayed with my parents who were baffled by my leaving and had no clue that I was gay. I started working for my Dad at first and then got working for a scientology company doing house painting. I also got myself a computer and began looking up gay sites, and I was ASTONISHED with all the porn! It was HUGE for me to be able to be free sexually, but I still was living with my parents. I managed to meet some people and dated a guy, while still living with my parents.

I also met someone and had my first one night stand, after years of sexual frustration and knowing that it was wrong and out ethics I did it anyway. At the same time I got involved in the local org doing volunteer work and stuff with OSA working on the Drug free marshals campaign. I ended up on the front page of a local downtown newspaper, but my days as a drug free marshal were about to change.

I met a person, who was tall blonde and 18, was gay and he introduced me to a friend and they began discussing drugs and me being a devout drug free marshal quashed their talks about Ecstasy and pot. But I was curious, but still knew that it wasn’t ok.

I was at a bar, when I at first felt really happy and elated, the friends I was with were having a good time and we were dancing away. I realized later that someone had dropped something in my drink, but my inhibitions were down and I wanted to try something, so I did my first hit of ecstasy. WOW... it was intense and I liked it. I managed to also do pot, Ketemine all in one night, I figured at the time that I might as well try it all!

I liked ecstasy and I liked to dance and mostly express myself through dance and enjoyed the music, but it also had intense lows and those I had a hard time dealing with. I waffled with suicide a couple times and at one point I decided that I should get some help and didn’t know where to turn so, I called RTC at the FLB and left a message saying I needed help.

I talked with someone from security later at the FLB and told him my story about me doing drugs and being gay, and well it was mistake. They immediately told my parents who at the time were getting divorced and later my Step mom joined the S.O. I had no chance to tell my parents I was gay, and I ended up having OSA confront me about my Homosexuality with my Dad present. I was given an ethics program to do but I found it stupid and refused to do it, explaining to my Dad and OSA that it’s ok for me to be gay and it doesn’t change anything. So instead of doing my ethics program I moved out of my parents place with my boy friend and went and smoked pot and partied, I figured that it was easier to deal with it that way.

My parents still have issues with me being gay, and well the rhetoric of LRH on homosexuality is at best insidious and disgusting. But after some time my Dad has come to except it to an extant. My Step has now disconnected from me as I have exchanged my views on Scientology.
I have also had to deal with the fact that I have no real world education or training especially after I first came out of Sea org and Scientology. This is true to many second generation scientology kids to who joined the Sea Org forfeiting there education for the greater good.

With all of my life experiences and my childhood I found myself experiencing a real bad depression after losing a friend to suicide, I made the hard choice of basically deciding if ever wanted to return to Scientology, I chose not to and went on anti depressants. This has been a life saver any many respects. I have also had to deal with the onset of Schizo affective disorder which I was never prepared for, something the experts say can be hereditary and show’s up in you mid to early 20’s as my biological mother has Schizophrenia. Because of this I’m on antipsychotic medication as well.

This has caused a huge rift in my family relations with my Step mother and my father who are still actively involved in scientology. My Step mother has disconnected from me because of this and relations with my father are strained. However I’m emotionally well for the first time in my life, and can finally focus on making decisions for me.

I’m not advocating the use of medication for everyone, but I will say that without it and some of counseling I have received that It makes the transition from growing up turbulently a little more easy.
I’m now working towards going college and university, and this has been a goal of mine and I hope to accomplish it. I also am an artist with hopes and dreams of being able to share my art with others, and bring joy and hope to others by telling them my story and that life is possible after Scientology, even if you grew up in it.

I hope that m writing my story will be able to shed some light and hope for others that are struggling with the subject of scientology, that hope is possible and that it’s important to be true to oneself and ones aspirations.


Holden Caulfield

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Post Tue Apr 14, 2009 11:19 am

Wow, just wow.

As I've said before, even though I was never in the SO I can relate to a lot of the things you're saying.

I just feel to glad for you that you're out, and mostly out of Scientology.

Good luck to you!
"If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth."



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Post Fri May 08, 2009 12:59 pm

Holden Caulfield wrote:Wow, just wow.
Those were the words in my head too, Ryan.

Congratulations on having the strength to make decisions for yourself, even when there was pressure on you - intense pressure, no doubt - to do things the way that others wanted you to do them.

Mostly, I'm just very happy that you are happier now, and able to live life without the debilitating sadness and psychosis that might otherwise be troubling you. That's awesome.

I'd love an update on your art and your studies and/or work life. do share!

Recovering Scientologist

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Post Sat May 09, 2009 12:15 pm

Wow. That's quite a story Ryan.
It's amazing what kids will accept growing up. It's kind of scary to think about. As a kid you don't have any other point of view to compare, you just think that all the craziness is normal.
I've been planning on seeing a counselor soon as I have bouts of depression and gender identity issues (fun times!) and I'm glad that got the help you needed.
Thanks for sharing your story.


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Post Sun May 10, 2009 3:15 am

Thank you for sharing this story. I am glad to hear that you have been able to get counseling and medication in a way that works for you. I am so very sorry to hear that people close to you are trapped in the horrible homophobic LRH view of the world.

I protest every month here in Toronto, and you are why.



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Post Mon May 11, 2009 4:54 pm

great posting Ryan - glad to hear you are well and happy and yourself!
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.



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Post Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:45 pm

Just want to say thanks for having the courage to tell about your experience. I would really like to get your email if i could because im from Toronto and went through a simular situation with my dad flying my to LA in 1985 before i escaped and came back to Canada in 91...

Its a long story and im still puting it together so i hope by connecting to people like you especialy since your in Toronto i can get this out

God Bless


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Post Tue Jun 28, 2011 9:28 am

Thanks for sharing your story. :) good for you for being strong and standing up for yourself.
Somebody has to speak for these people.... no more running. I aim to misbehave.... If you can't do something smart, do something right. (Serenity)

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