A letter to my family

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Recovering Scientologist

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Post Thu May 07, 2009 12:05 pm

A letter to my family

Below is a letter I wrote to my family, mostly my parents, but haven't given to them yet. It isn't exactly "my story" per-se but it's close enough I thought this was the best place for it.

I guess I just wanted to share it with you all. I have been lurking around this site for a while now and it contributed to me going from doubting Scientology to wiping my hands of it.

So here it is, my coming out... unless you've read my pc folder, or done an ethics handling on me, or been on the ever present gossip line that exists in Scn and the S.O. which spreads so called "confidential" information like a So-Cal wildfire.

"I don’t want to have regrets. I don’t want to keep things from people I care about.

I have wanted to be a girl since I was younger. I noticed these feeling probably at about 10 or so. I started dressing up in girls clothes and hiding it. I didn’t think about it a lot then but I knew it wasn’t normal and I hid it as best I could.

When I joined the Sea Org was when I really tried to stop these feelings. I figured those thoughts were wrong and must be “case” and I was out-ethics to act on these feelings, wasn’t being cause, etc. So I tried and I tried to stop the feelings. I did countless ethics handlings, O/W write-ups, etc. I received some auditing but nothing would stop it.

For the 7 years I was in the Sea Org I did my damndest to stop the feelings because I “knew” they were aberrations and weren’t me.

When I left the Sea Org, I left feeling kind of like a scum-bag. I felt like I was no good and really just needed to fix myself. I said to myself, “Now I can start anew. I can do my handlings, get the auditing I need and then I can rid myself of these thoughts.” It wasn’t to be. The thoughts continued.

Then I began to doubt things. I thought, “Maybe I’m not so bad. Maybe wanting to be a woman isn’t aberrated. Maybe it’s other peoples perceptions of it that are wrong.” I met some people who were gay and noticed they were not 1.1. They are just normal people. As a “pervert” I was supposedly on the 1.1 scale as well. So doubting the writings of LRH on gay people I started examining other areas. For example; “Wogs” were not stupid low life’s like I expected. The general feeling I got in the Sea Org was that wogs were sort of inferior. They were unenlightened and didn’t know how to handle their lives. They were out-ethics and were “effect”. Well it turns out there is no such thing as wogs. There are just normal people and a lot of them have great lives, are happy, responsible, etc. In fact, the people I met out of the Sea Org and Scientology were, for the most part, saner, more rational people than I met in Scientology. I had a lot of other realizations in regards to things I believed that I had learned from Scientology.

But that is getting off the point of this letter. The point of this letter is to let you know my feelings. I have been getting more depressed lately. I have been suicidal in the past (when I was in the Sea Org), though I am not now, I don’t want to get those feelings back. I regret every day that goes by that I haven’t acted on my feelings. You see, if I want to be a woman I have to do a lot to change myself. I have to get on hormones and get surgeries. To do that I need to see a counselor, yes a “psych” and get approval. Now for a transgender person who is changing their sex, it’s the younger the better. Mainly for the hormones. So every day that ticks by I worry that it’s slipping away from me.

I don’t know exactly what I want to do. But I want to get it sorted out. I need your support. If I want to change my gender I want you to be behind me. I love my family more than anything in the world. But I can’t keep pretending and just ignore how I feel.

It would be so much easier if I didn’t have these feelings, but I do. And I need to do something about how I feel.

Will you support me and help me do what I want to do?"
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LronIsgonE_Snap

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Post Thu May 07, 2009 3:04 pm

Recovering Scientologist, thank you for sharing that letter with us, and welcome to the board. I hope you receive the support you want from your parents and other family members.
Enjoy your life today,
For time is fleeting.
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invisible

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Post Thu May 07, 2009 4:59 pm

Your story is very touching. I wish you success with finding your path. I also wish you peace of mind and acceptance.

Welcome to the board and congratulations on stepping outside of scientology so you can find and be yourself.
"Be the change you want to see in the world."
--Gandhi
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Avery1

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Post Thu May 07, 2009 11:10 pm

Thank you for sharing your letter.

Best of luck to you for your future. I hope you are able to find the support you need.

You deserve to be happy; remember that.
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Recovering Scientologist

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Post Fri May 08, 2009 8:36 am

Thanks for the encouragement. Hopefully I'll get some time and write out the rest of my story soon. It seems kind of daunting. I wish I had a copy of my life history handy. :lol:
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Plups

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Post Fri May 08, 2009 11:54 am

Hi Recovering,

It must take a lot of courage for you to put that letter "out there". Ron's views on homosexual people - and all people - were odious and plain wrong, as you've discovered.

Knowing yourself and being able to accept yourself as you are, with all your strengths and vulnerabilities, your successes and failures, is a key to a successful life. I wish you every success and happiness in all that you do. I wish you the love and support and presence of your parents and family in your life. And I pray that you will know unconditional love in your life.

Thanks for letting us in.
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Recovering Scientologist

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Post Tue May 12, 2009 12:23 pm

Ok, I'm going to write out a bit more of my story. I'll mainly dwell on my time in the Sea Org but maybe I'll touch shortly on some things before.

So, as I said in the letter, I started dressing in girls clothes and such at about 10 or 11 years old. I would do anything I could to dress up and hide it as best I could. Any time I was the only one at home I would do it, look at myself in the mirror and use my imagination at how I would look if I was a girl. There were some close calls with people coming home before they were supposed to, etc. One time my mom caught me, because she bursted into my room when I thought it was locked. I told her it was a joke I was going to play on one of my sisters and she looked kind of confused but never brought it up again. I love my mom, but sometimes I think about how it could have been if she was progressive and looked into it a bit more. Maybe had talked to a counselor or something. But she had been a Scientologist since before I was born so that wasn't to be.

Anywho, at this time I didn't really know what I was doing or what it meant. I just knew I was different and that I should hide it because everyone I knew (all Scientologists) would think I was weird if they knew.

So I kept doing it until about 15 or 16 when I got on course for the first time. I did the TRs & Objectives and I don't remember it really coming up or being a problem at that point. But right after that I got onto the Key To Life course and the first part I had to do was the Clay Table auditing. It was all about problems, intentions, etc. and I wanted to bring up this "problem" but it was to private to demo out to my twin who was a girl my age. I went to review auditing a number of times (not cheap for my parents) and I brought it up there and ran the dressing up, etc. as overts and withholds. That's when I tried to stop dressing up and having the thoughts and that's also where things started to get bad. I had my first suicidal thoughts because trying to stop didn't work. After getting a number of reviews I just stopped going into the org for session.

At this point, living the secluded life, I didn't know anything about transgenderism. I knew everyone I knew hated the gays and I seemed pretty close to that so I tried hared to never give anything away. I'm sure there were signs though. I remember one time my friend made fun of me for singing the girls part in a song that was on the radio. I was so stuck in my head that I'm sure I missed a lot of things. And I never had a girlfriend because I was too worried about myself.

When I was about 17 a lot of my friends joined the S.O. and a few months later one of them recruited me to join (I know, I was so old. :roll: ). He knew I liked a girl that joined (Oh yeah, I like girls too so that makes me a lesbian trapped in a mans body. That doesn't make things any easier! :x ) and I'm pretty sure he lied to me when he told me he thought she liked me too. So I joined to save the planet and maybe hook up with this girl I liked.

So during the EPF I started learning about ethics and such. I "realized" that I was bad because 1. I jerked off and 2. because I did it while thinking about being a woman doing all kinds of fun stuff with another woman. I was on the EPF 6 months because unlike anything else I had studied in my life I couldn't comprehend and apply this stuff like everyone else seemed to be doing. I tried so hard to stop my thoughts and stop uhhh.... basting the ham so to speak. But nature prevailed. And I took it hard, the suicidal thoughts came back and went even more into my head. BTW, suicidal thoughts and following through with it are very common for pre-transition transgender people as I later found out.

Well, I eventually finished my EPF and was an expeditor running around doing errands and getting coffee for the crazy lady I was under. I don't know if this happened to anyone else but I went into a thing of not committing ANY overts trying to keep myself clean. If I punched a hole with a hole punch I would have to find the chad (learned that word from the 2000 election of Ol' Dick Face) or else it was an overt. It was pretty extreme but I was really just trying to apply the tech as I understood it. Also, in my ethics handlings I learned, "That overts stem from MUs." So I was to MUs like Hitler was to Jews. I was SO slow on course because of this. But I thought it would help me in my endeavor to not polish the rocket.

Once again all this tech I was learning failed me and nature won. But I assumed that it was me that was wrong. Maybe because that's what I read also. "The tech is perfect. If it doesn't work, YOU are doing something wrong."

So I continued my Sea Org "career". A few months off the EPF I became a Flag Representative (A jerk-off who tells people what to do) at an org when I was still on Staff Status One. My lack of training coupled with my intense introversion lead to little success in this area.

Then when I was about 19 I met a girl in the Sea Org and after holdings hands a kissing a few times I proposed. It was the responsible thing to do. I hadn't even dated anyone up to this point. Anyways, shortly thereafter we took a day off, drove to Vegas and got married at the Wee Kirk O' the Heather chapel. I believe it was the day we got back that we were then told that she was going to be Flag Representative in another org out of state (awesome!). Oh and she would be leaving in a week (could it get any better?). We didn't even have our own dorm room for that week. We stayed in a crummy hotel one or two nights that week that I paid for out of my measly "pay".

So off she went.....

I will have to continue my story later, my insomnia does have it's limits.

PS: I'm posting this on ESMB as well, but don't be jealous exscientologykids, you are my first love.
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LronIsgonE_Snap

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Post Tue May 12, 2009 3:20 pm

Thanks for posting more of your story. Looking forward to the next installment.
Enjoy your life today,
For time is fleeting.
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Recovering Scientologist

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Post Thu May 14, 2009 12:02 pm

[hide]{So off she went to be a Flag Rep at another org out of state. We would talk on the phone I pretty much every day. Not too long after that I was sent to a bigger org to be their Flag Rep and I went in with a Mission. That org had some pretty crazy stuff going on, people were getting declared, etc. The Mission I/C caught me talking on the phone with my wife in the middle of the day and I had to do an ethics handling. So I could only call her after post and even then we were working late so I didn't get to talk to her much. Some time after the mission left, and I was the only S.O. member around, it started to go badly for me and my wife. It isn't hard to wonder seeing as I had only known her a few months, it was my first real relationship, we were in different states, in the S.O., in Scn, etc. etc. etc. So after a few months called it quits and got a divorce. She left the S.O. a few months later and I've never heard from her since.

So I continued my duties of trying to execute crazy programs from crazy people up in management. All the time still stuck with this burden of wanting to be a woman and not knowing what to do about it. And, predictably, things started to go down hill for me again. I remember a project came to my org with to women S.O. members. Since I had an apartment with another bedroom they stayed with me for a week or so. One day I went to the apartment in the middle of the day when they weren't there. I went into their room and put on some of their clothes so I could fantasize about being a woman, at least for just a moment. This probably seems crazy to anyone reading this and it's pretty crazy to me too looking back at it, but I was so desperate to get that feeling.

The months passed by and I started getting more and more depressed. I would sometimes go to the local river and try to get a grip but it never really worked. Until finally one night I got in my car and just started driving. To this day I don't know where I went exactly, but I found some mountains. I wanted to just drive off a cliff or jump off of a bridge, but I couldn't find somewhere that would do the trick. I certainly didn't want to drive off the road in some crash and live. After a while I gave up, parked somewhere and just sat there for a while. I remember being so lonely. I don't think I can describe how lonely I was. I didn't have any friends, I was too dedicated to bring my S.O. problems to my family. I had no one to talk to. So I drove back to the org just in time to get back on post. There was another mission in the org at that time and the Mission I/C was a fairly nice lady. So I told her I was suicidal, yada, yada, yada and, presto!, I was on a plane back to Base.

When I got back I thought I would be treated with some sort of compassion and sympathy. I remember all I wanted to do was get in session. I didn't want to do another ethics handling or O/W write up. Bets or wagers anyone on what happened? Well, firstly I was in trouble for abandoning my post, I was told I was getting a Comm Ev and I was orered to do an ethics handling and O/Ws! Yippe! :roll: No one was kind to me, or ever said, "We'll get you through this." I was just treated sort of as garbage. I mean how insensitive can you be. I was simply an asset either to be "fixed" or discarded if I couldn't be.

Well, I took it like a good little robot and I did my ethics handling, O/Ws, etc. And when my Comm Ev was done, I did some more ethics handlings. But there was one part of my Comm Ev that I did like at the time. One recommendation was to get in session on something or other. I did everything else but couldn't get in session because the staff auditors were all busy with other pcs and I was back-burner. And when I didn't get in session, again I got in trouble. Because it was my fault I didn't get them to audit me. Lame!

After a little while they figured I could be a cog in the machine again and I went on a post at the Base. And of course nothing had changed with me despite all the magical handlings. So it was just a matter of time before it would all come crashing down again....

I must end again for the night. I hope this post isn't lamely written. I couldn't fall asleep (what's new?) so I decided to write. But my brain feels kind of mushy so hopefully things came out all right.}[/hide]
Last edited by Recovering Scientologist on Thu May 29, 2014 5:43 am, edited 3 times in total.
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astra

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Post Thu May 14, 2009 5:42 pm

Hi Recovering Scientologist,

I just wanted to give you a belated welcome and thank you for your story so far. I'm looking forward to reading the rest as you post it. I am so glad you are putting your life on the track that you want and despite the challenges that you face ahead, I am so happy for you that you are the one making the decisions in your life. Good for you.

Astra
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LronIsgonE_Snap

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Post Thu May 14, 2009 6:34 pm

Recovering Scientologist wrote:I must end again for the night. I hope this post isn't lamely written. I couldn't fall asleep (what's new?) so I decided to write. But my brain feels kind of mushy so hopefully things came out all right.


Your writing is fine. Ever tried melatonin for insomnia? I like it myself. It's available over the counter at almost any drug store.

Becoming suicidal is common to many ex-SO stories. If you have not already read other stories on this forum, I believe it would be helpful for you to do so (the stories of doubleVee and CherryTree are the first ones that come to mind).

Based on the reading I have done, I am not at all surprised that the SO had no sympathy or compassion for you when you were suicidal. I am, however, a bit surprised that you weren't immediately expelled to avoid a PR flap, which is frequently the case. In fact, a number of people have said that they got out of the SO promptly by pretending to be suicidal.
Enjoy your life today,
For time is fleeting.
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doubleVee

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Post Thu May 14, 2009 8:09 pm

Many parts of your story sound so familiar. Especially the part about driving off by yourself, having no one in the world to talk to, and wanting it all to be over. I felt the same way, even about not taking my SO problems to my family.

Thanks for sharing and I hope it helps you.
Somebody has to speak for these people.... no more running. I aim to misbehave.... If you can't do something smart, do something right. (Serenity)
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mrtampa

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Post Mon May 25, 2009 9:33 pm

It took a lot of courage for you to write this. Welcome aboard. I wish yoo all the bests, and it is you own road, you will choose the life you want to live, but you should be happy with the lifestyle you choose. I wish you all the bests and if you need moral support you can PM me.

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