Ex Scientology Kids

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really don't know how else to express the depth of my feeling for TRs.

I was made to do 2 hour confronts at the age of 7 -- fail! fail! crash and burn! I mostly fell asleep. The supe sent me to ethics.

I got older and did more courses. Got better at it. Once I punched someone during bullbait, tho.

Got older still. Did Pro TRs and Pro Metering and stuff, and got lovely RTC passes and everything. Was proud of ability to remain stoic in the face of anything.

Had become robot. When I finally cracked about 8 years later it was shattering.

But the worst application of TRs, for me, was on the objectives as a kid. Having auditors that woulddn't say anything except the formula "look at that wall. Thank you. Walk over to that wall. Thank you. Turn around. Thank you." over and over and over and over and over again drove me NUTS. I mean, totally berserk, insane, screaming at the top of my lungs and trying to punch and kick the auditor off of me so I could escape. Unfortunately I was only, like, 8, 10, and 12-13 when I was doing that so I failed. I only made it out of the room once and after that they posted security outside. I tried everything I could think of. I faked happiness. I couldn't do it long enough to fool them. I lay down on the floor and they just dragged me back and forth. It drove me so insane I cannot tell you how upset I get still, over a decade later, oh my god!!

Oh, and the one really good auditor I ever had, the only one I could talk to, threw robotic TRs and formulaic sessions out the window. She actually talked to me and listened and had a real conversation about my problems. She was the only one that I felt actually heard me.

She was subsequently busted out of the tech div. I'm not sure if she's even still in the SO.

Oh yeah, and when my dad died, I kept my TRs in just like I was expected to. Never cried or anything. Nobody bullbaited me on it, thank god. An auditor decided to give me a session to "handle the loss". After about 2 hours she decided that I wasn't getting over it fast enough and that that was my fault. Since a couple hours of processing couldn't solve my issues that meant I was somehow wrong/evil. She called me a "black hole that takes and takes and never gives out anything" and it still hurts to remember that.

As far as TR 7 goes -- anyone here know who Sakhi Guma is? That GIANT African in CLO? Well I did them with him, as a 5'6, 130 lb, 17-year-old girl... it didn't go well. Did you know that Leb Hall has a cement floor under that thin grey carpet? ouch.

Once I was over 1 1/2 hours into a 2 hour confront and the Supe came over and told us "course time is over go to dinner". I ignored him for several repetitions hoping he'd get the hint, but eventually my twin broke. I almost cried, I chewed him out in front of everyone (poor 50 year old dude, getting yelled at by a 17 year old HCO kid).


I think being made to go through TRs, especially upper indocs, really seals the deal on whether Scientology is brainwashing or not. I described the procedures to my husband and he got really pissed. He says that that's exactly how people have been brainwashed by other groups (he's into history and psychology so I believe him). I haven't wanted to do any research on the subject myself. It's one of the few things that really upsets me still. I mean it really makes me nauseus (sp?) and boils my blood. I'd rather sit and think about being punched in the face and belt-whipped by my dad than remember getting the objectives. Maybe I'm just twisted up and backward, or something, the level of my reaction seems not to make sense.

I did eventually give up. It took years of stopping and going back, but eventually I just didn't care anymore. I turned into a robot and retreated into my own little shell, just like I did at home when mom and/or dad was beating the shit out of me. They said I EPd.

AFter I left the SO they told me my Objectives were still un-flat and I had to come back and re-do them. This was about 12 years after finishing them. I said absolutely not no way in h**l will I ever do that again, EVER. Mom says that proves that I need to. All my problems will be solved!!

All my experience with Scientology and having Scilon parents has resulted in the exact opposite of what Scientology advertises itself to create: a person who is NEVER in PT, doesn't dare think for themself at all, and is a prisoner in every way but wearing physical shackles (except when I actually was locked in occasionally). Right there is proof that they LIE. (Except they say that it's just me, not them. I'm No Case Gain. It works for everyone else!)

Wow, I'm really getting angry. I think I'd better leave this thread now.

I find TR's to be quite gay.

I never noticed this myself on the TRs, but have managed to achieve it since. Its known as Eidetic Vision, and has been documented historically, and sometimes reported by people placed into solitary confinement.


Leonardo Da Vinci called it "Eidetic Vision", and it is said that a friend of his discovered the technique when staring at a wall upon which superstitious folk, particularly the sick, would stop and spit. The man is said to have gazed at the wall for hours, amazed at the shapes and forms which arose out of the blobs of phelgm. Any object which is sufficiently complex, from manufactured items to natural growths can be used in this way. I recall once becoming fascinating by the swirls and shapes seen in the remains of a plate of different-flavours of ice-cream.
[source: Sensory Enhancement Exercises - http://www.philhine.org.uk/writings/rit_sensoryex.html]