scientology-> SO-> suicide

Moderator: doubleVee

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justme

Non-E

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Post Fri Jun 26, 2009 1:16 pm

doubleVee wrote:
justme wrote:I ceased to have occasional suicidal thoughts only when I married and had my first child. Maybe because I had someone to love and care - maybe because I ceased to spend my time and money in an org. From there on I become busy growing up my children well, giving them and my spouse a house. The idea of dying leaving my family with problems became a concern: I started to drive safely, paid for life insurance, and so on.


Me, too. :) It's amazing how many of us there are. I'm just so glad that we survived and didn't end our lives before learning how awesomely wonderful they could be.


I believe most of it is because the SO and scientology environment is really suppressive. If you read this article it seems that it has been made suppressive on purpose:

Rights - The Family

Here (link) we have an OT 7 who ...
" ... spent 15 year on OT VII and audited about 3500 hrs. The cost to Vicky and myself was around $800,000 Aust $. I spent the majority of the last 8 years on the level utterly miserable, during that time I found myself hoping to die for the first time in my life."


Scientology need to change or it will cease to exist. Scientology is damaging people and Scientologists don't see it. That means that by rising our voices and telling our stories we are helping scientologists to have a better future in a better church.

:-)
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LronIsgonE_Snap

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Post Fri Jun 26, 2009 6:16 pm

CherryTree wrote:But today was a really horrible day for me. Well the whole day was wonderful, just the end of it... I got my diploma: Hungarian literature and language 94%, Math 94%, History 90%, English language in upper level 89%, Geography 92%. We had a banquett this evening, it was really great, our class is really wonderful we had a great time.

...

This was the most embarassing most annoying most upsetting moment of my life since that day five years ago.


First of all, congratulations once again on your fine academic work and receiving your diploma. I am glad you had a very good time at the banquet.

You really had an emotional rollercoaster on Thursday. Probably a day you will never forget. It reminds me of the opening of Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. ..."

Me and one of my classmates decided to call a taxi and she said that she has a friend who she will call.

...

Why the hell is that my classmate knows the most fanatic scientologist in the city I live????? That's for sure when I meet with her tomorrow at school at the year's end ceremony I will question her about this. I hope she is not one :S


Sounds like your classmate was setting you up. Did you speak to her about this? (Of course you are always free not to comment if that is your preference.)



Anyway this shocked me up. But now that I wrote it down and discussing it over msn with my boyfriend it's a bit better... But still I really wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up... that he is being a real jerk... But I just can't say that kind of things I don't know... I was crying before him and he just right on ignored it and stomped a few more into my soul :( .


Across the thousands of miles I really can feel your pain here. Being a captive audience to a "fanatic scientologist" can definitely be a torturous experience.

After talking it over with your boyfriend and getting some sleep, hopefully you have recovered somewhat. The important thing to remember, which I am sure you already know, is that they can not legally force you to do anything against your will.

Try to consider this experience one more immunization shot against the CoS. You don't want to go through this kind of thing again and again, I'm pretty sure. The CoS is built on bending the will of the worker bees to serve the interests of the leader.

From a positive standpoint, be glad you have internet role models such as doubleVee and justme, and try to stay focused on the many good things that await you. :)
Enjoy your life today,
For time is fleeting.
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CherryTree

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OTIII

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Post Fri Jun 26, 2009 9:34 pm

I asked her about it, she never heard of scientology, I'm sure she is not lying, she didn't know this guy pretty well, he is on her boyfriend's "drinking partners" but she said her boyfriend isn't in scientolgy either. Yes I'm a lot better today. I know they can't force anything on me, it's jsut annoying that I say no and tell him he can't say anything tht would change it, but he just couldn't shup up... This was the first of these experiences for me, and I know I fucked it up a bit, it was a learning experience... I will next time probably will right on deny who is my father, or if not then after that not tell anyone anything just no... it was a mistake to open up to him... But yeah I'm better now :D I hope I can go the beach someday now that the exams are over :)
just when you thought it's all wrong it proved otherwise
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Thalkirst

EPFer

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Post Sat Jul 11, 2009 7:15 pm

I sent you PM on ESMB.

Best,
Thalkirst
Ex Sea Org member
My blog about SO and Scn abuses in Hungarian: http://objektivszcn.blog.hu/
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CherryTree

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OTIII

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Post Sat Jul 11, 2009 11:23 pm

News: I'm over at ESMB too :D it so much different from this board. A lot of people and a lot lot of threads :shock: I cannot really orientate myself there yet :D but trying.
just when you thought it's all wrong it proved otherwise
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doubleVee

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Post Tue Jul 14, 2009 5:55 am

LronIsgonE_Snap wrote:From a positive standpoint, be glad you have internet role models such as doubleVee and justme, and try to stay focused on the many good things that await you.


Awww, thanks. :)
Somebody has to speak for these people.... no more running. I aim to misbehave.... If you can't do something smart, do something right. (Serenity)
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CherryTree

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OTIII

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Post Tue Jul 14, 2009 1:18 pm

DoubleVee, were I just blind and you have always been a forum moderator, or you got "promoted"? :D And LronIsgonE_Snap is right. I'm thankful to all of you, and everyone here is a hero in my eyes, and I love you all :D :wink:
just when you thought it's all wrong it proved otherwise
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CherryTree

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OTIII

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Post Sun Oct 11, 2009 2:43 pm

Sorry I haven't written in so loooong... been very busy with the starting of the semester and stuff. Well now I offically attend the University of Technology and Economics of Budapest, and I study Management and Business Administration :D how's that sound?
just when you thought it's all wrong it proved otherwise
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LronIsgonE_Snap

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Post Sun Oct 11, 2009 4:02 pm

CherryTree wrote:Sorry I haven't written in so loooong... been very busy with the starting of the semester and stuff. Well now I offically attend the University of Technology and Economics of Budapest, and I study Management and Business Administration :D how's that sound?


Hi, Cherry Tree! That sounds absolutely terrific. :thumbsup:

I'm sure you've been very busy, but it would be nice if you could post once in a while. Aside from invisible's news and celebrity stories, things have been very quiet here. Many people just stop posting and you never hear from them again. We have a lot more lurkers here than posters currently.

If you have any time, I would be like to hear what classes you are currently taking, and any general comments about them (large classes in lecture halls, small group discussions, internet/technology use in teaching, likes, dislikes, etc.) Not trying to give you another writing assignment, but I find the subject of education to be very interesting.

This thread is great since it contains not only your ex-Scn kid story, but a continuation of your story into the present day as you emerge into adulthood. Anything you want to say here should be considered on-topic, since it is a continuation of your story.

(I had to interrupt this post because a squirrel was on my back window ledge begging for some more peanuts). :)

Anyway, best of luck to you as you continue your education, and please try to stay in touch when you can find the time.

I will reply to your post on ESMB as well.
Enjoy your life today,
For time is fleeting.
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CherryTree

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OTIII

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Post Sun Oct 11, 2009 7:35 pm

Well I have 7 subjects in this semester: Basics of Management, Microeconomics, Basics of Marketing, Psychology, Introduction into Informatics, Mathematics Analysis, and (not sure of the translation) Venture Economics. All of these are lectures, with about 600 people, but we have practices in Microeconomics and Math. These 2 are also the hardest ones :S the other 5 are fine, actually Psychology and Informatics are boring :P but I'm not suprised as this is the first semester, and it's about learning the basics and the way-of-thinking. So I guess it's fine, we already had 2 tests, and I will have at least one every week till the end of the term time (11th of dec). And then I will have 4 exams: Marketing, Microeconomics, Math, and Psychology. So it's a lot of work and study, and I'm bit stressed out :( but I hope it will get better in the next semesters :D I hope I answered your questions :D
just when you thought it's all wrong it proved otherwise
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CherryTree

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OTIII

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Post Mon Jan 18, 2010 11:54 pm

Hi! I'm back, sort of, done with this semester, have nothing to do till february 8th, it's kind of boring. But just to stay on the original topic of this thread, I wanted to ask some questions.

I just can't seem to find myself these days, for some period I was really active about talking about my story and stuff, then got all depressed and didn't even look for months, I just wanted to forget the whole thing. Then there are other periods where I have nightmares, can't sleep, cry a lot and just can't find any peace with myself. What am I supposed to do? :'(
I have talked to many of my friends about these things, told my story to even more, but I just can't find the kind of peace of mind I'm wishing for, when I don't have to supress or do anything with these experiences, and they would still not bother me.

They do very much now. Which kind of sucked when I was supposed to concentrate on study :S

So basicly the question: I have tried everything I could, talked and not talked, thought and not thought about it, wrote it down, shared it with the internet, cry a lot over it, analysed myself, the experiences everything, but I just can't seem to find the way out...

What should I do?
just when you thought it's all wrong it proved otherwise
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BC

Non-E

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Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2009 3:27 pm

Post Tue Jan 19, 2010 4:35 am

It sounds like you are beating yourself up over the past, I do that too sometimes about things I regret doing or not doing and wind up over analyzing the why, what if, etc scenarios. The best advice I can give is to try to relax, decide what you want to do with yourself today and going forward and try to not over think everything. If there are things that you can fix, like a lost friendship or something you wanted to learn then go and change it, but if it's not changeable, then try to decide what the lesson learned was and realize that you can only move forward. Also, try to keep busy, that helps me when I'm depressed, if I stay busy or exercise even I feel better.

I'm not a very religious person, but I find the first part of the serenity prayer to be very applicable:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
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doubleVee

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Post Fri Feb 19, 2010 11:50 pm

First off -- try some meds. I found a HUGE relief thru the proper administration of antidepressants. Talk to a doctor you trust and work out the right one at the right dosage, and you will feel much better. Paxil brought me nights without nightmares, fewer flashbacks, etc. and I am so glad.

Secondly -- find someone you can talk to in person. Spending a night driving around or sitting on the back porch talking (in the dark so it's easier) will make you feel TONS better. You need someone who can reach over and give you a hug. Trust me.

Thirdly -- don't beat yourself up because you are not "all better" or wonder "why am I not better already?" It takes TIME and you might not ever be "all better". You will have up days and down days. For a time you will feel great and then have a bad day (or week or even months). Life's like a roller coaster.... sometimes up, sometimes down, sometimes you have to throw your arms up and scream.

It will get better. Do things that make you happy and don't do things (or go places, or see movies) that make you feel bad. Hang in there.
Somebody has to speak for these people.... no more running. I aim to misbehave.... If you can't do something smart, do something right. (Serenity)
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CherryTree

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OTIII

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Post Sun Feb 21, 2010 6:03 pm

Thank you very much doubleVee :)
just when you thought it's all wrong it proved otherwise
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doubleVee

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Post Fri Mar 12, 2010 4:37 pm

You are very welcome.
Somebody has to speak for these people.... no more running. I aim to misbehave.... If you can't do something smart, do something right. (Serenity)
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CherryTree

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OTIII

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Post Mon May 09, 2011 9:57 pm

Update

A lot has happened in the last couple of months, most of which stirred up a lot emotions, memories. First of all my grandma passed away in February, the one we moved to when we came back from the SO in 2004. She was the only one (well beside my brother) who truly welcomed us back. I miss her greatly. Secondly, my relationship with the guy who have helped me greatly in the past 3 years has ended. Unfortunately both of us were very overloaded with issues at the university and by time we had time to fix things, well there was nothing left to fix, at least on my part. I know the timing may not have been great, but I would have felt terrible if I stayed with him despite the fact that I no longer had feelings for him. But I do miss the role he has played in my life. Right now when I would need someone the most I have no one. All my world, and my anchor points have crumbled and I have no one to turn to.

It's funny how a loss can break you in places you thought you already had fixed.
just when you thought it's all wrong it proved otherwise
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invisible

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Post Sat Jun 18, 2011 9:54 pm

Cherry Tree ~ I'm sorry to hear you had some difficult times in the recent past. I hope you are doing well now. Change and losing loved ones can be difficult but you are in a better place now and I am hoping that you have been coping well.
"Be the change you want to see in the world."
--Gandhi
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CherryTree

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OTIII

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Post Thu Nov 03, 2011 4:33 pm

Dear All,

Recently a Hungarian ex-scientologist, Peter Bonyai (on ESMB known as Thalkirst) has written a book about scientology and his 10 years in it, it will be published very soon in Hungary (as far as I know only in Hungarian). And related to this, one of the Hungarian newspapers (HetiVálasz) has made a short film about scientology, in which I gave an interview too (hiding my face and having my voice distorted).
Although the interviews are in Hungarian, I'm going to give you the links (there are 3 videos) to the youtube playlist, maybe it will get to some people, who know Hungarian.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWNuOPEV ... 59DCA16192
just when you thought it's all wrong it proved otherwise
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CherryTree

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OTIII

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Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2009 5:48 pm

Location: Hungary

Post Mon Dec 26, 2011 2:31 pm

I've found the following article on being born and/or raised in closed high-demand groups (eg. cults) not too long ago. I'm not sure if it had been posted before or not, but here it is. I hope it helps.

http://www.icsahome.com/infoserv_articl ... en0403.htm
just when you thought it's all wrong it proved otherwise
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lrlolrl

Non-E

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Joined: Wed Sep 04, 2013 12:41 am

Post Fri Sep 20, 2013 12:16 am

Re: scientology-> SO-> suicide

Hey CherryTree,

I think I remember you. I joined at Flag in July 2003, when I was 16. I was in the TTC mostly in the Coachman, but I think I remember seeing you around the QI and maybe on school days.

I hope things are going better for you now. I left in a similar manner in 2007, so I've been out for six+ years, but I'm only just starting to even think about my whole experience and how fucked up everything was.

Best wishes.
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