Growing up without a family

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Sharone Stainforth

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Post Fri Mar 28, 2008 6:01 pm

Growing up without a family

This is part of the time after i came out of the Sea Org, even now part of me dosen't want to press send,makes me feel vulnerable.But on the other hand i think people should know how Scientology and disconnection messes with a childs head.

Growing up without a Family.

I ‘ll never forget the first night in the assessment centre. Lying in bed, in a dorm full of strange children quietly crying myself to sleep. Thinking how I was a criminal and my big crime was wanting to be loved. Surely at 12years old you are entitled to being loved and cared for, but apparently not.

The centre was a secure unit, no bars on the windows but none of the outside doors could be opened, none of the windows opened more than a couple of inches. The man in charge reminded me of the MAA minus the Sea Org uniform. He made it plain from the start, “Don’t mess with us and we will get along just fine”. “you cannot get out of here, so don’t even try, you will be punished if you attempt to escape.” I felt like I had swapped one prison for another one. Whilst what Hubbard was doing had to be illegal, this one was within the law. I was trapped.

There was constant probing into my back ground, questions about my family, where had I been abroad? I was constantly on the alert, it took some doing giving only the most basic of answers, because I’m sure they were trying to catch me out. Always give a shore story, that’s what Hubbard had said and although I hated Hubbard, he was a cruel, nasty man, it seemed I had to comply to survive. I constantly wondered what had happened to my Dad.
Even these people couldn’t tell me, its like he had disappeared off of the face of the earth.
Just like the people on the ship, there in the day and then gone in the night. Where had they gone, it was strange because they had seemed like nice people and yet according to Hubbard they had done terrible things. In contradiction I saw that Hubbard ordered terrible things done to his crew. So who was lying? It had to be Hubbard. I had wondered if my Dad had been murdered, I wasn’t sure if that was possible, could Hubbard be that cruel? I felt sure he could.

It was hard to adjust to my new surroundings, a motley group of kids from all walks of life and backgrounds. At least they spoke in a language I understood, it was a given that you did not probe into why they were there, everyone of us with our own secrets and sad tales to keep. I realised you did not have to have come from a Scientology back ground to have shit thrown at you as a child. It was common place, this neglect of childrens lives.
What I failed to understand was why we were being punished, for the failings of adults.
I would never trust an adult for as long as I lived.

I was assigned a social worker, more questions. When would these people realise I would tell them nothing. They sure as hell wouldn’t understand even if I did. And they would not believe me even if I did tell them. Who in their right mind would believe what went on in the Sea Org. It was so far removed from the world these people lived in and if I told them, would I then be locked up in a room by myself, no windows, just a bed. Just me, a bed and a lifetime of nothingness. I was non existent. A Suppressive person. I knew Hubbard was a fraud, but what if he was right about me. I did after all have terrible thoughts about him and you were not supposed to have these thoughts. It was a crime.
Treason. Was my Dad locked up somewhere too, he was in Treason.
Trust no one.

There was a school room on the premises and we followed the national curriculum during the week. It was at least some respite from my worries and fears. The teacher was quite nice as far as adults go. Weekends we were allowed out to the local shops on a Saturday morning, supervised one adult to two children, to make sure we didn’t escape. My first trip out I scoured the surrounding area as best I could with a view to escaping at the first available opportunity. Some of the kids had done so before but had always eventually been found and brought back. When I escaped I was never going to be taken back.

Then came the visit from the Psychiatrist, according to Hubbard the most Suppressive people on earth. You would think that I would have realised by now that Hubbard was wrong about Psychiatrists, but it was ingrained in me and my Dad had said the same. I had believed my Dad. I was convinced the psychiatrist thought I was mad, he was waiting for me to slip up and when I did, that would be it. They would put me in a mental institution and throw away the key. That’s what psychiatrists did, wasn’t it? They would mess with my mind and because my mind was already in a very fragile condition it wouldn’t take much to tip it over the edge.Ihad laughed with another girl in the SO about how in the real world we would be locked up in the nut house if we were to tell any body about the SO. I had laughed because I was so scared that it was true, and here I was faced with this dilemma. I would tell the Psychiatrist nothing, he was no going to catch me out. Tell an acceptable truth, I was not going into a mental institution if I could help it.

As I write this I am deeply saddened and angered that my thought processes were so dysfunctional at the age of 12.Whilst I had to take responcibility for sorting through this ingrained indoctrination of Hubbards philosophy, it was Hubbard that was at fault, not me, but sometimes I thought it was me. After all I was the one that was locked up, whilst Hubbard was free on the sea.

Sharon
the man who"wanted" to rule the world was a science fiction writer, who lived out his fantasies in real life.Some body some day will say this is illegal. It won't come soon enough.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WzE9Fzbrx3w
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Tru2form

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Post Sun Mar 30, 2008 6:42 am

Sharon, that's incredibly powerful. You're not the only one on the board who's had experienced with Social Services. How did this happen? Were you taken by social services after getting kicked out of the SO?

Looking forward to hearing more about this. Huge hugs!
Us rabbits? DO something? - Wind in the Willows
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ImOut

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Post Sun Mar 30, 2008 1:32 pm

Very interesting story. I want to read more.
Isn't it grand to be out!
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Sharone Stainforth

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Post Wed Apr 02, 2008 9:25 pm

When you first go to a new place it is hard to make friends,i learnt the hard way that being shunned by your peers was the norm until you proved yourself worthy. No one spoke to me for weeks, the other children that is.

There was a top girl, who was something of a bully and until she decided you were worth talking to, nobody else dared. Like all bullies, she had a big hard coating on the outside and yet under the surface there were cracks. I found her in the dorm one day crying, her Mother was meant to visit and had cancelled. I was the one who dared to approach her and offer some sympathy, she decided i was ok after all and from then on everyone else talked to me too.

The day my step mother turned up was horrible, i think it was at the insistence of the staff there. She came rushing in, said she only had five minutes as she had to get to St. Hill. Told me "i had pulled it in" and "it was up to me to "handle" it and then promptly left. I'll never forget the look on the care workers face, she could not believe how my step mother had behaved.

I never did try and escape from there, i wasn't what you would call happy, but i did settle into a routine of sorts. I made some great friends because we were all in the same boat and it was a case of making the best of a bad situation.

Towards the end of my stay we went on a two week barge holiday and we were given the most freedom we had had in a long while. It was good fun

Also towards the end of my stay there i went and spent a weekend with my stepmum. I didn't particularly want to go, i didn't want anything more to do with Scientology or her. But the staff had thought it would be a good idea. I had wondered what they would have thought if they had known about Scientology and what had happened in the Sea Org. They seemed to be clueless and could not understand my reluctance to go and visit.

It was an awful weekend. I did some baking and played with my sister, that was good,but after that it was Scientologists talking about you've guessed it -Scientology. I was by then sick to death of Scientology, What it had done to my Father and myself. And still nobody knew where my Dad was and if they did they were not saying.

I remember sitting there thinking "Why am i here?" and looking around , they all seemed to have the same face. What i thought of as a Scientologists face,I'm trying to think of words to describe it and all i can come up with is 'a glazed smile'. I thought i won't be coming back here again. I t was like i wasn't there to them any way.

I surprised myself by crying when i left the center, i didn't want to be there but it was all i had and it was at least familiar. I was moving on to a kids home.

I really hated the kids home. It was very strict, a couple of the staff were quite nice but the owners at times treated us with contempt. In many ways it was worse than being under lock and key. We were allowed out by ourselves and went to a public school, but it was obvious where you came from and people, not just children either tended to treat you like there was something wrong with you. It felt like a reflection of me personally, like it was my fault i didn't have a family.

I did run away from there, another girl and myself decided we'd had enough. I still had it in my head i would find my Dad, how naive i was, i hadn't a clue where to even start. We started walking headed towards London, we walked the best part of a day. No money, no food, tired aching legs, it was starting to get dark. We walked past a police station and after a short discussion decided to turn ourselves in.The police were very nice about it and we got a lift back to the home, knowing they would not be so kind. We were grounded for a month and had to do extra duties on top of all the duties we already had. Polishing everyones shoes every night became a pet hate of mine.

My social worker visited every month and took me out to lunch, i was horrible to him and pleaded with him every time to get me out of there.He kept telling me it wasn't that simple, it always ended in an arguement. How i hated adults.From time to time he would still probe about my time away with my Dad in the SO. I suppose it was obvious i knew more than i was letting on but i was steadfast in refusing to say anything.

One day i got a letter, it was from my Dad, i cried and cried and cried when i opened it. He wasn't dead after all. He said he couldn't see me and there was no address to write to him, so i cried some more. There was no mention of his where abouts, what had happened to him or anything. I asked the staff if they knew where he was. They said they knew nothing.
I cherished that letter, it was the most valuable thing i owned, i read it over and over again. Crying until i could cry no more. I became very depressed and withdrawn again and felt like i wanted to die.

At about this time i started to dream vivid dreams of being back on the ship, i would wake up in a cold sweat. I was always searching for my Dad, searching, searching everywhere but he was no where to be found.

Sharon
the man who"wanted" to rule the world was a science fiction writer, who lived out his fantasies in real life.Some body some day will say this is illegal. It won't come soon enough.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WzE9Fzbrx3w
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Sharone Stainforth

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Post Thu Apr 03, 2008 10:38 am

The trouble with living in a kids home is theres too many kids with too many problems and not enough staff or people to care about how to deal with these problem children.

I'm sure the powers that be do their best with limited time and resources, but the system fails the kids, its each kid fending for themselves.

I moved on to a foster parent and life was a bit better, but fell well short of normal life.When my foster parent decided to remarry to a drunk, life became a real living hell again. After being pinned up against a wall with hands thrust around my neck and threatened violently, i ran away again.

This time when the police picked me up i was locked away as a wayward girl.
This was a really horrible place, deprived of all rights, and made to feel like a criminal yet again. Worked round the clock and no schooling. This was not a prison, but it sure as hell felt like it. I spent six months there in total, by the time i left i hated the world and every body in it. It was shortly after this that i had decided i had had enough of this life.

What has this to do with Scientology? Scientology or the "Church" of Scientology deprived me of a Father, a family. My childhood might have been a bad one anyway, who knows. The fact is i never got the chance to find out what my childhood might have been because the "churches" practice of Disconnection saw to it that i was not allowed to have contact with my Dad.Stripped away my rights as a child. Stripped away my Dads rights as a parent. I have always wondered...... by what "right" did Scientology have the "right" to decide they knew better.

So on the 12/4/08 i will be protesting about Disconnection, i will be doing it for all the children who lost their parents to this horrible practice and for all the parents who lost their children to this mentally warped ideology.
L. Ron Hubbard was a science fiction writer that turned his fantasy stories into a reality, that reality has to stop.

Sharon
the man who"wanted" to rule the world was a science fiction writer, who lived out his fantasies in real life.Some body some day will say this is illegal. It won't come soon enough.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WzE9Fzbrx3w
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Tru2form

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Post Thu Apr 03, 2008 10:48 am

Sharon, that is unbelievable!!!!

Have you reconnected with your dad since? Is he still in or out? How are you doing now? have you ever considered raising a foster child yourself?
Us rabbits? DO something? - Wind in the Willows
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Zendon

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Post Thu Apr 03, 2008 12:21 pm

That's a sad story, Sharon. I really hope you have some good people and happiness around you now.
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Sharone Stainforth

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Post Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:01 pm

Yes it does sound unbelievable doesn't it. But it is the truth and its certainly not all of it.But its enough.

I did finally see my Dad when i was 16 for about 2 hours, then not again until i was 19 for approx 2 months. He was a very changed man, he had a really rough time of it after leaving the Sea Org or i should say he was kicked out.
He had been destitute for years and was mentally ill, i couldn't cope. My full story is over on ESMB as Tamasinsp.

I have often thought of fostering children, my husband was never into it. Now hes not here,maybe, i don't know.Haven't thought about it for a while.

I am a lot happier now, thank you. have had an awful lot of changes in my life in the last 18 months and am still working on what i want out of life. Life is good though and getting better all the time.

Thank you both,
Sharon
the man who"wanted" to rule the world was a science fiction writer, who lived out his fantasies in real life.Some body some day will say this is illegal. It won't come soon enough.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WzE9Fzbrx3w
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Anon'sMom

Post Fri Apr 04, 2008 6:22 pm

Sharon

I has not a ex-member, but I can a identify with a crappy childhood. I am always jealous of the perfect family dynamics's and can say since raising my own kids in a more calm environment gave me a warped sense of; I had to go threw that to see what not to do as a parent.

I think raising foster kids will give you a sense of making a difference, and fixing a wrong that happen in your life. Thank you Sharon for telling your story, I know how difficult it is looking back to a painful moment, but at the end you do feel a sense of peace. Hugs from Texas!!!
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Jeri

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Post Sun Apr 06, 2008 9:41 pm

Thank you for sharing this painful story with us.
________________________________________

"Each relationship you have with another person reflects the relationship you have with yourself."
Alice Deville
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Sharone Stainforth

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Post Mon Apr 07, 2008 12:07 am

Anons' mom,

Thank you for your kindness. I do feel a kind of peace with myself that i have never had before.I spent my whole life been physically busy to the point of exhaustion in order not to have to think.

Now i spend a lot of time thinking, and it is changing the way i view things. I am thinking of fostering, we shall see.
Hugs to you Anons mom


Jeri,
I wasn't sure sharing my story with anyone would be of any value to any body but myself. In part i didn't want to share it because that would make me out to be a victim, coming to terms with being a victim is a tough call.

I think ESK says it all -We were born, We grew up, We survived.

Totally non Scieno related but my telling my story to a new friend i have made has made a difference in her life. It has given her the confidence to talk about her own abusive childhood, to be there for her and listen.
That alone has made sharing my story worth while.
Thank you for listening.

Sharone
the man who"wanted" to rule the world was a science fiction writer, who lived out his fantasies in real life.Some body some day will say this is illegal. It won't come soon enough.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WzE9Fzbrx3w
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doubleVee

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Post Mon Apr 14, 2008 6:50 am

Sharon wrote:I wasn't sure sharing my story with anyone would be of any value to any body but myself.


I felt that way, too. It did help me to tell mine, and I don't know that anyone else will particularly care. Except...

Some of us kinda sorta know how you feel. :) I know how much is still unsaid when we do finally share. The things we do write resonate with other people, you never know who will read it and say "me, too!" So, thank you. I for one value you taking the time to tell it.
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Sharone Stainforth

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Post Wed Apr 16, 2008 10:04 pm

Thank- you Double vv,
I can't even begin to say how sorry i am about your own story. Words fail me, it makes what i have to say so pathetic and not worth saying, but on the other hand for me it was and at times still is very painful.


Pick up the cans please - This is the Session.
(this is a feeble attempt at humour in what has been a bad afternoon)

Some times i'm doing just fine, sometimes i'm doing great, really well and then something happens or i see or read something and my head starts reeling and i leave the here and now and find myself transported back in time.Its' always the same god damned era, 67-69. I know not all of the days in this period of my life were awful, but unfortunately too many of them were.

Today i read this article, Scientology:A dangerous cult reaches dangerously into the mind (Nov 1968) by Alan Levy

[url]http://tinyurl.com/60l6pe

I have read this before, but i have not seen the magazine before complete with pictures, iv'e even seen some of the pictures before,but not the one of the crew on the deck. I recognize a few of the people though only remember a couple of names.But it wasn't so much the people as the deck that triggered my reeling head, and a couple of old friends and John Mac.
John McMasters, who was such a nice, kind man.

I'll never forget the day after he was thrown overboard, leaning on the side of the rail with his arm in a sling because his arm was broken, hitting the side of the ship on the way down. A group of us were sitting on those benches, chatting and eating water melon. Relatively happy, until John started ranting on about Hubbard. I don't remember exactly what he said, but quite rightly so he was angry. He said something to the effect of, we were all mad to put up with the things that went on, and that we would all learn the hard way, one day you'll see.

Every one was deathly silent. No words of comfort for John. I seem to recall after this had gone on for some time someone did tell him to calm down. Calm down? He'd been chucked overboard and broken his arm for crying out loud, he'd struggled to get back to the ship and it seemed nobody cared.

I'm sure people did care, silently to them selves, i did, but no one could do anything about it because they would have been out ethics.OUT bloody ethics for caring.Then i remembered the account i read about John Mac, i can't find it right now, but that got me thinking of my Dad again.

And i always end up at the same place, in the fields surrounding Abellund.
Calling for my Dad, crying and getting louder and louder. Daddddddddeeee, Dadddddddeeee and i cannot believe he has gone without me. I slumped beside the side of a tree and sobbed until it was almost dark and i could sob no more, and i repeated this for days. Then gave up.

I know i am repeating myself now, i do not want pity, i do not want people being sorry for me, but sometimes this still hurts as badly all these years later, as it did when it happened.

And then i thought of Bea, Anthony and the child i saw in the chain locker and thought if i can still sometimes feel this bad, what the hell must that child have gone through and might still be feeling on the days when something triggers a memory off.

The main trigger today that got my back up was Pat Harney, her and her "The Church has no policy of Disconnecting members from their family, as Anonymous is plainly aware." Harney said"We believe family is the building blocks of society".

She also said "the latest protest twists the beliefs of Scientologists.

With regards Anonymous protests "Anonymous is a terrorist group that has harassed church members and staff daily with threatening phone calls".


" We have been enduring this for three months now" Harney said.

To that i say:
I'll be there next month and the month after that and.............for all the families that were Disconnected and Fair Gamed and / or harmed, especially the children.

So this afternoon hasn't been a good one, but tomorrow is another day. I know children are harmed, uncared for, suffer great hardships the world over, through no fault of their own and not just Scientology kids and i really feel for their plight, but i choose to protest Scientology because i am an Exscientology kid and in the words of someone who knows how to get to the heart of the matter "If not you, Who?" That got me thinking.

Any way sorry if i'm on a rant, sorry its long.Some days i can laugh at Scientology and find things that are humorous and other days, well, nothing is very funny at all.

[/url]
the man who"wanted" to rule the world was a science fiction writer, who lived out his fantasies in real life.Some body some day will say this is illegal. It won't come soon enough.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WzE9Fzbrx3w
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Sharone Stainforth

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Post Sun Apr 27, 2008 5:05 pm

The first time i thought about suicide was on the ship, just after i had got out of Liability. Wandering around the decks looking for people to sign my request to "rejoin the group". It was a dull bleak day and what was strange was there was no one around, unusual as most days there was lots of activity going on. Wandering around empty decks,cold, tired and hungry,although i wasn't consciously aware of any of these things. My mind was a blank, numb, if a thought entered my head, it was "i don't want to be here".

"How could i not want to be here?". This was meant to be the best place on earth, the answer to all mankinds problems. I knew i could drown. That was why i was so afraid of being overboarded. That seemed such a frightening way to go, i wanted to sleep and never wake up. I had no idea how to achieve this.

The second time i had these thoughts was at Abellund when there was no hope of ever seeing my Dad again, there wasn't even an ocean there and i had no other knowledge of how to go about ending ones life.

The third time was back in England when i realised i was never going to see my Dad again and i was still stuck with Scientology - there was no escape from it. The only way to escape the Scientology hold on my life was to distance my self from it and rebel.

So at 15, when i found myself in better circumstances than i had been for a long time, you would think there would be no need to be having suicidal thoughts. I had been placed with a family who had 4 boys, one of which was a baby and a toddler. They reminded me of my brothers. I think that was part of the problem, it was a constant reminder of life before the Sea Org and how the Sea Org had turned my life into utter chaos, had completely stripped me of myself as a human being. I was non existent.Or at least i thought i was.

I was what was known as a "Mothers Help",I spent a lot of time looking after the boys and their Mother was very kind to me. Her husband was nice too, but i was a little wary of him.Although after i had been there a while they wanted me to go to college and said they wanted to adopt me. But it was what they wanted, not what i wanted. That was the main problem, i didn't know what i wanted, it wasn't just a case of not knowing what i wanted, i didn't want to know.

Scientology had been "knowing how to know" and it had messed me up so much that i didn't want to "Know". I don't know if that makes sense to any one but me, but that was how i felt at that time.

The Mother of the boys became very sick at one point for a couple of months and i found myself having more and more responsibility, it all became too much and yet again i couldn't cope.

I had a boyfriend back in what i considered to be my home town, i hadn't seen him for months.I knew he was no good for me, but we both had had very turbulent childhoods and because of this , in my naivety i thought that was enough for our love for one another. The shared sense of being rejects, the kids no body wanted.So when i finally got to go and see him, i was really upset to find him with another girl, as if that wasn't so bad. He then tried to deny it, said i hadn't seen what i thought i saw. I most certainly had.

He kept telling me it was in my head, my imagination. I kept thinking what is it with people telling me i haven't seen what i know i have with my own eyes.Is this what life is, i'm the one that is always wrong. Nobody will believe you. This played on in my head again and again and again. It would not go away. Hubbard was right, it was me.

I was a Suppressive person.

By now i was savvy enough to know how to go to sleep and never wake up and that was what i intended to do, i almost succeeded too. So glad i didn't now.

As i'm writing this i find it incredible that that was how my mind worked back then. Amazing in as much as i knew everything LRH and his doctrines
had used to manipulate me had been wrong, i had no other way to interpret anything.Everything i based a decision on in some way reverted back to the things i had learnt in Scientology.Back then i really felt like i was the only ex scientologist in the whole world, so of course it had to be me that was wrong.
to be continued
the man who"wanted" to rule the world was a science fiction writer, who lived out his fantasies in real life.Some body some day will say this is illegal. It won't come soon enough.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WzE9Fzbrx3w
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Orderous

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Post Sun Apr 27, 2008 5:35 pm

I don't care how un-metal it looks, if you're going to be ther on the 10th, you're getting a hug.
The most important thing to learn about Life, the Universe, and Everything, is firstly; the answer is 42, and secondly; how utterly ridiculous it truly is
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Sharone Stainforth

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Post Sun Apr 27, 2008 10:27 pm

I don't care how un-metal it looks, if you're going to be ther on the 10th, you're getting a hug.

Don't want to ruin your street cred, See you on the 10th.
the man who"wanted" to rule the world was a science fiction writer, who lived out his fantasies in real life.Some body some day will say this is illegal. It won't come soon enough.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WzE9Fzbrx3w
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Sharone Stainforth

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Post Mon Apr 28, 2008 7:30 pm

Orderous

Good Luck! :)
the man who"wanted" to rule the world was a science fiction writer, who lived out his fantasies in real life.Some body some day will say this is illegal. It won't come soon enough.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WzE9Fzbrx3w
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AnonAko

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Post Tue Apr 29, 2008 1:02 am

This is amazing.
Knowledge is free
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Orderous

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Post Tue Apr 29, 2008 12:50 pm

Sharon wrote:Orderous

Good Luck! :)


Thank you, although the first exam did go a bit down the crapper.
The most important thing to learn about Life, the Universe, and Everything, is firstly; the answer is 42, and secondly; how utterly ridiculous it truly is
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Sharone Stainforth

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Post Tue May 06, 2008 10:19 pm

This is difficult to write,iv'e been putting it off. I talked to a friend about it the other day, hoping in some way she would feel it wasn't appropriate to write about it, she thought it was very appropriate.

I have mixed feelings, but it is part of my story so here goes.......

It is difficult to put into words just how miserable i felt at the time, i was at the lowest point i could get to, and i had had some really low points in my life thus far,everything was so magnified in my head, i had long given up all hope of ever seeing or finding out what had happened to my Dad. Social Services had tried to locate some of my family who had emigrated to America, without success.My foster mother had married a vicious drunk, my boyfriend had done the dirty on me and i was not allowed to go back to the town where i at least had some friends. There were no choices, or at least none that i could see. I was always going to be dictated to, told what i could and could not do.

There was no one, no one i could confide in, no one to talk to about my problems, no one to ask "where is my Dad?" because no one knew.

When i decided enough was enough and i would be better off dead, i planned it very carefully, i didn't want there to be any mishaps.It never occurred to me that it might upset anybody, because as far as i was concerned no body cared anyway.Strangely, as i'm writing this now i feel ashamed that i tried to end my life all those years ago,like it was a sign of weakness, at the time i felt it was a weakness. For years, since leaving the ship, i tried so hard to be strong, not show how hurt i was, pretend it didn't matter, i tried so damned hard to pretend it didn't matter. Putting on a brave face, that it hadn't affected me

Inside i was screaming "IT DOES MATTER, it matters a great deal" but nobody heard me, because i had to keep it to myself.

The trip out , i think it was to a wildlife park was planned a couple of weeks in advance, and again i pretended to be really excited about going, knowing full well i would not be going.I knew there was a full bottle of mogadon in the medicine cabinet and i knew if i took enough that would be it, all my troubles and grief would be gone, forever. This actually had a very calming effect on me.

Never again to have to wonder what happened to my Dad. Never again to have to think about L. Ron Hubbard and his crazy policies and his crazy ship, never again to have to wonder where my brothers were. Never again to cringe inside when asked "What happened to your family?" and then come up with a shore story, an acceptable truth. Yes Hubbard taught me well,i could use his methods in my life outside of Scientology, protecting the very thing that had ruined my life, only i didn't realise thats what i was doing, naively i thought i was protecting myself.

But there comes a point when you wonder just what you are protecting, and its easier to finish it. The cowards way out,at least thats what i thought.

The whole family were very excited about the trip, so i feigned feeling sick
and had a terrible headache. They said they would postpone until i felt better but i was insistent that i didn't want to spoil their day and they should go without me. Again it never occurred to me that i would spoil their day, by doing what i intended to do.It was all about me and my need to finish with this life, that i could no longer keep up the pretense of everything being alright.Everything was far from being right, everything was so bloody wrong.

I had said i would go back to bed, and hopefully sleep it off. When they had gone i downed the entire bottle of pills, handfulls at a time with lots of water, it made me feel really sick, it was a job to get them down, but i was determined. It didn't take long to feel very sleepy, and i remember thinking,at last........... i won't hurt any more.

On the journey out the family had discussed my not feeling well. The boys had said they didn't want to go without me and after a con flab they all decided to leave it to another day and come back home. Thats when they found me, unconscious.

I came to vaguely when my stomach was being pumped. I was so out of it, but i kept thinking NO, NO, NO i can not survive.

But i did. Two days later i came to, I felt really ill and i wanted to die all over again. I got up and went to the toilet, very muddled and wobbly on my feet, in the bathroom i looked in the mirror and was horrified to see my eyes. There was no white, there was bright red, not a speck of white to be seen. It felt bad enough that my plan had failed, but to live and be forever with totally bloodshot eyes, i looked like a freak.

The Mother of the family came to visit and was so upset that she hadn't noticed how unhappy i was. There was nothing i could say.

I had to see a psychiatrist, i freaked yet again, but i wasn't allowed to leave the hospital till i'd seen one.

He wanted to know why i would try to take my life, i wasn't prepared to discuss it. All psychiatrists are bad, yes, but Hubbard is bad, yes, but all psychiatrists are bad.

He changed tack, "What would make you happier?" "To go back to the town where my friends are" i said. "What happens if you can't do that" said the psychiatrist. "Then i will do it again and next time i will succeed" said I.

Against his better judgement my Social worker agreed to let me go back to where i had lived before, but instead of a foster home i moved into a bedsit on my own and replaced trying to kill myself with drinking heavily. It was the lesser of two evils. Living was proving to be a very hard thing to do and that bastard Hubbard had always said it would be impossible.It was to be a few more years before i could prove him wrong.There is life after Scientology.
the man who"wanted" to rule the world was a science fiction writer, who lived out his fantasies in real life.Some body some day will say this is illegal. It won't come soon enough.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=WzE9Fzbrx3w
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