*Through the Looking Glass *

The EP of Grade 0 is the /"ability to to communicate freely with anyone on any subject"/. While I have not done grade 0, I decided to embrace this state of mind for myself. I realised that only I could be the final arbiter of my own truth, and could not rely on anyone or any group to pre-judge, or pre-filter my information or communication lines for me, not my father and not even the Church of Scientology. In the words of Voltaire, /"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it"./

The church had instilled in a thought pattern that I had internalized. The first part is the dichotomy whereby the Scientology and the church are absolute "good", the one true salvation for all mankind, and thus anything that detracts from "good" must be "evil". Thus from that it follows that if someone is doing one "evil" then he must also be doing other "evils". The problem with this logic, is that there is no such thing as an absolute "good" or "evil". It is also based on the Scientology policy of "attack but never defend" and this rebuttal is a form of "dead agent-ing" as an attempt to discredit the speaker. However it seems fairly rare for the Church to to respond to specific points raised by any criticism, even if the criticism is well founded or an attempt to highlight genuine problems within the Church so that it may reform itself and thus correct them. The group personification of a control freak, who must micro-manage everything, that considers any resistance to control or any disagreements or alternative viewpoints to be nothing short of a personal attack.

As an avid internet user, I would occasionally come across links about Scientology. While I was not actively seeking it out, I was also determined to fully confront my own taboos on the subject and to treat it in the same manner I would treat any information on any other technical subject. I created my own rule on the subject, if I encountered a link on the subject of Scientology and I noticed that I had any charge or considerations against viewing it, I would deliberately click on the link and read the page behind it.

I still cast a very sceptical eye on anything I read that was critical of the church or Scientology. I was willing to read and understand their point of view, but kept in mind that there was a high probability that they had been given misinformation and/or potentially lying or misrepresenting the facts. This was until I read Gene Zimmer's Alteration of Scientology Materials Report regarding the altered definition of the second dynamic. Compare these two book quotes:

/"THE SECOND DYNAMIC – is the urge toward existence as a sexual or bisexual activity. This dynamic actually has two divisions. Second Dynamic (a) is the sexual act itself and the Second Dynamic (b) is the family unit, including the rearing of children. This can be called the SEX DYNAMIC." (Fundamentals of Thought, Chapter Four)/

/"The SECOND DYNAMIC is CREATIVITY. Creativity is making things for the future and the second dynamic includes any creativity. The second dynamic contains the family unit and the rearing of children as well as anything that can be categorized as a family unit. It also incidentally includes sex as a mechanism to compel future survival." (Introduction to Scientology Ethics – 1998 edition, Life Orientation Course Book)/

Over the next 230 pages of his report, Gene Zimmer systematically goes through all the published LRH materials, listing every quote LRH ever made on the subject of the second dynamic, and how they all align with the definition given in the first quote about sex and family, and that no other known LRH reference aligns with the second quote. At first I thought he was making the whole thing up, another bit of internet misinformation, but I realised that this was one issue that I could validate definitively and independently and without reference to anyone else's point of view. So I grabbed a copy of the new Introduction to Scientology Ethics book and low and behold, it contained that altered definition. I went back to my old LOC course book, and the new quote was there too. If the original definition was really squirrelled from LRH's intended words, how comes he didn't notice such a major outpoint on a basic definition during all his time alive. If the new quote has no other LRH source, it must be squirrelled.

While I had previously method 9'ed the whole of the LOC course book, it had never previously occurred to me that that definition given was so different from the "sex and family" version I had always known previously, all my attention had been on making sure I didn't stumble whilst reading it allowed and thus be forced to find my misunderstood word.

I read about many other alterations to LRH tech, but then found another example that I could definitively confirm for myself. Someone had said that on the old Philadelphia Doctorate Course at the end of tape 20 LRH says:

/" Did you ever read poor old George Orwell's 1984? Yes,yes, that's wonderful. That would be--- could be the palest imagined shadow of what a world would be like under the rule of the secret use of Scientology with no remedy in existence."/,

But that this quote had been removed from newer CD version. Coincidentally, my father happened to have a copy at home of both the old PDC tapes and new CD edition. So I looked up the quote at the end of tape 20, found it, then found the same section of the speech on the CD edition, and my heart was racing at this point, I found that it was simply not there. I double checked, looked backwards and forwards a bit, but the only thing after was the start of the next lecture. I felt a little stunned, the first major crack in my current reality tunnel had formed. I didn't yet realise the full implications of what I had just seen and proved to myself, and was still a little scared as to what it might all mean. I still believed fully in Scientology and the church, but deep down I knew that I could no un-see what I just seen, and I would not be able to go back to the way I used to see things.

When Gene Zimmer wrote his report, he was OT3 and an active Sea Org member. He sent a copy to all the senior church terminals, including David Miscavige. Nobody responded to acknowledge the content of the report, nor provide counter-evidence that it was indeed a valid LRH quote. He was instead labelled as an enemy and the report itself was used as evidence against him before his suppressive person declare.

*Losing My Religion*

My parents divorce continued through the courts. I had moved out of my parents house and into one of their un-rented buy-to-let houses with my then girlfriend. I continued to do some work for my father and worked towards finishing my computer science degree with the Open University. I had little or no contact with the Church or members of the Sea Org during this time, though my father would occasionally mention that my mother might get excommunicated and that I would need to think about my choices should that happen.

I realized that the absolute spiritual freedom that Scientology promises cannot be attained without the /"inalienable rights to think freely, to talk freely, to write freely their own opinions and to counter or utter or write upon the opinions of others"/. That the higher level gains promised by the Church, would be worth nothing if they required sacrificing underlying and basic freedoms.

I continued to research other aspects of Scientology that are not openly acknowledged by the church, whilst at the same time trying to integrate my realization about the altered LRH materials into a self-consistent world view along with all my previous beliefs. My mind was fully of questions, if a senior stable datum, such as the integrity of RTC was potentially wrong, then of all the other beliefs or assumptions that I held, could they be wrong also.

At the last big event I attended at St Hill, it seemed a little strange as I could at least partially see aspects of it as just propaganda. Though one explicit thing did strike me, it was a brief example of how society had fallen and in danger of being overrun by the psychs, because the Dali Lama had written his latest book, the "Art of Happiness" in conjunction with a psychiatrist. At this time I was reminded of a story about the Dali Lama, a scientist friend of his asked him what he would do if it could be scientifically proved that reincarnation did not exist. The Dali Lama replied that he would spread the word that people should stop believing in it, but then replied "how would you prove it".

As I started to systematically question and re-validate each one in present time, each my previous beliefs and assumptions. But for each belief I questioned, I quickly found that several other beliefs and assumptions where dependant upon it, that until I had validated the first, I could no longer trust the second. Like a house of cards, my stable datums crumbled. I was not sure what to believe on the subject of anything. There is almost a feeling associated with this state of mind. My reality tunnel had been shattered and I entered the dark night of the soul.

I decided that I could no longer trust LRH as a primary source of information. It was not a case that I believed everything he said was a lie, but rather that until I independently validated each idea, though either my own experience or independent sources I could not rely on it. I was going to have to figure everything out again and rebuild my reality tunnel, my principals and moral code from the very basics of first principals.

As I looked for sources of inspiration, I noticed an interesting correlation between the Richard Stallman's four basic freedoms for software to be defined as free:

/- Freedom 0: The freedom to run the program, for any purpose. /

/- Freedom 1: The freedom to study how the program works, and adapt it to your needs. Access to the source code is a precondition for this. /

/- Freedom 2: The freedom to redistribute copies so you can help your neighbour. /

/- Freedom 3: The freedom to improve the program, and release your improvements to the public, so that the whole community benefits. Access to the source code is a precondition for this. /

And the matters of RTC concern, which are all considered crimes or high crimes within the church:

/"Unauthorized use of the materials of Dianetics and Scientology"/ and /"Holding, using, copying, printing, publishing or reproducing in any manner, confidential materials of Dianetics and Scientology without the express permission of RTC."/ (Freedom 0)

/"Any attempted or accomplished change or squirreling of the technology of Scientology Ethics, Tech or Administration as listed in LRH books, bulletins, policies and writings."/ and /"Developing and/or using squirrel processes and checksheets." /(Freedom 1)

/"Issuing alter-ised Scientology technical data or information or instructional or admin procedures, calling it Scientology or calling it something else to confuse or deceive people as to the true source, beliefs and practices of Scientology."/ and /"Any violation of LRH copyrights, including any manner of reproduction, publishing or selling without the express permission of L. Ron Hubbard Library."/ (Freedom 2)

/"Organizing splinter groups to diverge from Scientology practices, still calling it Scientology or calling it something else, or using Scientology data to distract people from standard Scientology."/ (Freedom 3)

I realized that for Scientology to be a workable technology for me, one that I could actually use and adapt to me needs, then the restrictions and limitations imposed by KSW would simply make Scientology an unworkable technology for me. While I have never had any interaction with the Freezone outside of viewing their websites, it struck me that their ideas and decentralized organizational structure described a far more ideal scene for how the church should be run.

Though at this point all my thoughts where still in my head, I was still coming to terms with confronting the indoctrinated taboo that it was wrong to discuss or even think critical information about Scientology. However it was far more of a philosophical journey than an emotional one. I wrote down some of my thoughts as essays, and letters I might post online, but kept them hidden and never clicked send. At most I once or twice talked briefly with my non-Scientologist girlfriend, but all she could really do was listen as I got my own thoughts straightened out.

I had nothing specifically to fear, but it was very unnerving experience, I was no one I felt who could understand nor anyone within Scientology I could trust to confide in, though equally I had nobody on my case attempting to evaluate or even interrupt my thought process. I spent most of my time alone with only my computer and thoughts for company. I was not depressed, just simply confused. It allowed for a lot of deep introspection and soul searching. It took a long time, but I slowly I started to become more certain of my own beliefs, of what I felt was true and of what I no longer accepted. I started to confront directly my taboos on free through and free speech in regards discussing Scientology, questioning the reasons behind them and my own self-determinism as to whether I would allow myself to be bound by a moral code not of my choosing.

Even after achieving this realization, it would still take me another two years or so to reach the point where I could openly and freely discuss the subject of Scientology and my experiences with anybody I had met, and had now other considerations on the subject other than that of freely speaking my own truth. My mother has also said that it has taken her a similar time to be able to start opening up and being able to think and talk on the subject.

*The Final Straw*

The court made its final adjudication in the divorce, a 50-50 split, which my father thought was grossly unfair and yet another sign of world trying to suppress him, but to which my mother though was completely fair.

One day my father popped found to show me some of the court papers and excerpts from my mothers committee of evidence tribunal, so that I would be able to "make my own mind up" on how suppressive my mother really was. /"Bringing civil suit against any Scientology organization or Scientologist, including the non-payment of bills or failure to refund, without first calling the matter to the attention of the International Justice Chief and receiving a reply."./* *My mother claimed that she had kept the IJC informed of her actions and decisions at all times, and they had not taken much action on the case. Whilst reading the rest of the selected pages I was given, I almost wanted to laugh at what sounded like a bunch of trumped up and self-referential charges. In reading between the lines, my mothers underlying crime was that she had refused to toe the line, that when push came to shove she would ultimately do her own thing that follow the instructions of the church.

My sister, phoned me to say that she would no longer be able to speak to me again, because I was still in contact with my mother. It was a sad thing to hear, especially as my sister was almost in tears on the subject and could hear her sobbing on the other end of the phone. While she did not say it explicitly, it seemed obvious that didn't really want to disconnect from me, but because she is in the Sea Org, she felt that she had no other choice.

I also received a phone call from my non-Scientologist uncle Gerry, my fathers brother, who told me that my father had asked him to cut all communication with me, at least for the time being, due to this situation, and that my father had in essence threatened him with disconnection over this.

On the subject of civil-disobedience Martin Luther King once wrote /"I would agree with Saint Augustine that 'An unjust law is no law at all.'... One who breaks an unjust law must do it openly, lovingly... and with a willingness to accept the penalty. I submit that an individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and willingly accepts the penalty by staying in jail to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the very highest respect for law." /

Deep down I had already made my mind up that I would not disconnect from my mother, and that I would remained self-determined over my own communication lines regardless of the consequences. I accepted that I may eventually get excommunicated myself, though as of yet I have not yet been, but that it did not matter. Scientology in its current form could not offer me what I needed on my own spiritual path, and that I would seek my own truth and my own path in my own way.

In regards to being disconnected from my father, sister and uncle, it is strangely one of these things I have just grown to accept with little emotion or attachment. I have made my choices and accept the consequences, with a willingness to simply move on from a previous stage in my life.

*Leaving Home*

The court had ordered the buy-to-let house my girlfriend and I where living in, to be put on sale,. He let us know a day before we where due to leave for a two week holiday in France, and told us that we would have to move out soon. My girlfriend panicked, afraid my father would clear out the house whilst we where away. So as a "safety measure", she convinced me to change the locks on the house. This didn't go down too well with my father, because when we returned, we found that my father had acquired the new key that we had left with a friend of ours, and proceeded to change the locks again to ensure we where locked out.

My father had offered to let me move back in with him, but I knew deep down that if I accepted that offer it would mean making uneasy compromises with myself and that it would be a long time before I would ever be able to move out again.

We smashed a window and broke into our own home and again fit a new set of locks. I contacted my father to let him know what I had done and then waited. Not quite sure what he was going to do or what was going to happen next, but I was fairly determined to stay in the house. Several hours pass and it is now dark, there is a knock on the door from the police. They ask a few questions, they see the broken window and even go as far as to place me under arrest with handcuffs behind my back. I am given a choice, either hand over the keys to the house, and I would be allowed to take a few possessions and leave the house, or be forcefully evicted and spend a night in the cells. I feel no fear, but just don't see how dragging this on will achieve anything in the long run, so I hand over the keys, take a few things, and get in the car with my girlfriend. After spending one night in a hotel, the next few months where spent living on the living-room floor of a friend of my girlfriend.

This pattern of instant upheaval with little or no notice that it is about to happen, as to reoccurred somewhat frequently in my life since then. But I have adapted to it, realised that there is no real security in life, for anybody, but rather than worry about it, it is best to simply take your chances and simply deal with whatever life throws at you as it happens. Being forced outside of your comfort zone and into a crisis point, forces you to grow and evolve a being and if it does not crush you, makes you into a stronger person.

Part of the court ruling was that I was supposed to receive some financial compensation for all the unpaid wages I should have received working for the family business over the previous 7 years. We arranged to meet up at a pub, and my father was accompanied by a friend/Scientology watcher. He told me of his intentions to join the Sea Org at some point, and I told him openly and honestly as to why I had not disconnected from my mother, the situation regarding breaking back into the house and my reasons for leaving the church. We discussed the issue of the money owed to me, and he wrote me a cheque for £25,000 to fulfil his obligations, but that was the last time that I spoke to him.

James McGuigan