Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 7:31 pm
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really don't know how else to express the depth of my feeling for TRs.
I was made to do 2 hour confronts at the age of 7 -- fail! fail! crash and burn! I mostly fell asleep. The supe sent me to ethics.
I got older and did more courses. Got better at it. Once I punched someone during bullbait, tho.
Got older still. Did Pro TRs and Pro Metering and stuff, and got lovely RTC passes and everything. Was proud of ability to remain stoic in the face of anything.
Had become robot. When I finally cracked about 8 years later it was shattering.
But the worst application of TRs, for me, was on the objectives as a kid. Having auditors that woulddn't say anything except the formula "look at that wall. Thank you. Walk over to that wall. Thank you. Turn around. Thank you." over and over and over and over and over again drove me NUTS. I mean, totally berserk, insane, screaming at the top of my lungs and trying to punch and kick the auditor off of me so I could escape. Unfortunately I was only, like, 8, 10, and 12-13 when I was doing that so I failed. I only made it out of the room once and after that they posted security outside. I tried everything I could think of. I faked happiness. I couldn't do it long enough to fool them. I lay down on the floor and they just dragged me back and forth. It drove me so insane I cannot tell you how upset I get still, over a decade later, oh my god!!
Oh, and the one really good auditor I ever had, the only one I could talk to, threw robotic TRs and formulaic sessions out the window. She actually talked to me and listened and had a real conversation about my problems. She was the only one that I felt actually heard me.
She was subsequently busted out of the tech div. I'm not sure if she's even still in the SO.
Oh yeah, and when my dad died, I kept my TRs in just like I was expected to. Never cried or anything. Nobody bullbaited me on it, thank god. An auditor decided to give me a session to "handle the loss". After about 2 hours she decided that I wasn't getting over it fast enough and that that was my fault. Since a couple hours of processing couldn't solve my issues that meant I was somehow wrong/evil. She called me a "black hole that takes and takes and never gives out anything" and it still hurts to remember that.