A letter to my family
I guess I just wanted to share it with you all. I have been lurking around this site for a while now and it contributed to me going from doubting Scientology to wiping my hands of it.
So here it is, my coming out... unless you've read my pc folder, or done an ethics handling on me, or been on the ever present gossip line that exists in Scn and the S.O. which spreads so called "confidential" information like a So-Cal wildfire.
"I don’t want to have regrets. I don’t want to keep things from people I care about.
I have wanted to be a girl since I was younger. I noticed these feeling probably at about 10 or so. I started dressing up in girls clothes and hiding it. I didn’t think about it a lot then but I knew it wasn’t normal and I hid it as best I could.
When I joined the Sea Org was when I really tried to stop these feelings. I figured those thoughts were wrong and must be “case” and I was out-ethics to act on these feelings, wasn’t being cause, etc. So I tried and I tried to stop the feelings. I did countless ethics handlings, O/W write-ups, etc. I received some auditing but nothing would stop it.
For the 7 years I was in the Sea Org I did my damndest to stop the feelings because I “knew” they were aberrations and weren’t me.
When I left the Sea Org, I left feeling kind of like a scum-bag. I felt like I was no good and really just needed to fix myself. I said to myself, “Now I can start anew. I can do my handlings, get the auditing I need and then I can rid myself of these thoughts.” It wasn’t to be. The thoughts continued.
Then I began to doubt things. I thought, “Maybe I’m not so bad. Maybe wanting to be a woman isn’t aberrated. Maybe it’s other peoples perceptions of it that are wrong.” I met some people who were gay and noticed they were not 1.1. They are just normal people. As a “pervert” I was supposedly on the 1.1 scale as well. So doubting the writings of LRH on gay people I started examining other areas. For example; “Wogs” were not stupid low life’s like I expected. The general feeling I got in the Sea Org was that wogs were sort of inferior. They were unenlightened and didn’t know how to handle their lives. They were out-ethics and were “effect”. Well it turns out there is no such thing as wogs. There are just normal people and a lot of them have great lives, are happy, responsible, etc. In fact, the people I met out of the Sea Org and Scientology were, for the most part, saner, more rational people than I met in Scientology. I had a lot of other realizations in regards to things I believed that I had learned from Scientology.
But that is getting off the point of this letter. The point of this letter is to let you know my feelings. I have been getting more depressed lately. I have been suicidal in the past (when I was in the Sea Org), though I am not now, I don’t want to get those feelings back. I regret every day that goes by that I haven’t acted on my feelings. You see, if I want to be a woman I have to do a lot to change myself. I have to get on hormones and get surgeries. To do that I need to see a counselor, yes a “psych” and get approval. Now for a transgender person who is changing their sex, it’s the younger the better. Mainly for the hormones. So every day that ticks by I worry that it’s slipping away from me.
I don’t know exactly what I want to do. But I want to get it sorted out. I need your support. If I want to change my gender I want you to be behind me. I love my family more than anything in the world. But I can’t keep pretending and just ignore how I feel.
It would be so much easier if I didn’t have these feelings, but I do. And I need to do something about how I feel.
Will you support me and help me do what I want to do?"